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Old 06-29-2013, 10:33 PM
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tebman tebman is offline
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Default If Dr. Seuss Described the 2013 White Sox

Like everyone else, I've been watching in stunned astonishment at the Sox' descent into buffoonery. The past few days have been the capper, from Beckham's Keystone Kops act to the tee-ball worthy doubleheader. It's funny, really...it plays out like a children's book.

Which got me to thinking: what if Dr. Seuss had written a story about this year's team? It's all there -- the weird, shapeless characters, the loopy behavior, the nonsensical description of the action.

It could work! Check this out: not The Cat in the Hat, but maybe The Hurt in the Dirt. Apologies to T. Geisel.


The park was too big. The crowd was too small.
And there we sat watching some White Sox baseball.

The players tried to hit, but they could not connect.
It was not a hit, just a swing that they checked.

“The White Sox are bad,” I said to my friend.
“I wonder if ever this season will end.”
We only could sit there, my friend there with me,
As they went down in order, strikes one, two, and three.

The Sox cannot hit, at least not hits they need,
Like with runners on base or to build up a lead.
They also can’t catch, at least not very well.
Hey, there’s a pop fly! And whoops, it just fell.

Still we just sat, my friend there with me.
And again down in order, strikes one, two, and three.
“You know they will lose,” I said with a sigh.
“This game’s almost over. I’ll see you. Bye-bye.”

Then there was a BANG! I said, “What was that?”
A sudden loud sound had come off of a bat!
We looked and we saw him step out on the dirt.
We looked and we saw him! It’s Frank, The Big Hurt!

“What’s wrong with you two?” he asked with a shout.
“The White Sox are playing. They’ll win it, no doubt!”
We tried to explain that we had no more fun.
“You think that we’re kidding? Just watch Adam Dunn!”

“Or maybe Ramirez will drop a ground ball,
“And then we’ll see Flowers pass one to the wall.
“Eight years since the Series, it’s 2013.
“And Frank, this might be just the worst that we’ve seen.”

He gave us a smile. He started to talk.
“I think you should listen to my friend The Hawk.
“You know what he told me?” he asked with a grin.
“All that they need is some new will to win!”

“And that’s what we’ll do!” he said with a smile.
“We’ll make something fresh out of this steaming pile!”
“So come with me now, and say it with me,
“TWTW is what sets us free!”

My friend and I sat there just watching Big Frank.
But what could he do? There’s De Aza, there’s Tank,
There’s Paulie’s sore back and there’s Peavy’s few wins.
And Beckham thinks fielders are big bowling pins.

Big Hurt would not quit. He had much more to say.
“I know that you know I watch this every day.
“I watch them make errors. I watch them pop out.
“I know what is wrong here. I know it, no doubt!”

“It’s not in their workouts. It’s not in their food.
“What these fellows need is some new attitude.
“I’ve got that, I know that, and now they will too.
“Come with me and help me – yes, I mean you.”

But we could just sit there without much to say.
We knew that he meant well but there just was no way.
“Frank,” we said, “thank you for all your good cheer.
“We thank you for hitting them out every year.

“But this year is over. We know that it’s shot.
“We hoped for the best, but here’s what we’ve got.
“Quick! Rick Hahn is coming. Go talk to him. Run!
“Tell him that the Yankees might take Adam Dunn.”

“You really should do it. We know that you care.
“There aren’t any trades. Our cupboard is bare.”
And Frank said, “Good-bye, then. Just follow your game.
“Come see me next year at the big Hall of Fame!”

The game sputtered on with the Sox looking bad.
And I got to thinking what great players we’d had.
We only could sit there, my friend there with me
As they went down in order, strikes one, two, and three.



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