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In honor of actor Andy Garcia and his (unintentionally) hilarious reaction to Sofia (Mary Corleone) Coppola's death scene in "The Godfather, Part III."
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Posted 12-04-2010 at 01:34 PM by TommyJohn
Updated 05-29-2011 at 11:45 AM by TommyJohn

This next goofball headline was inspired by my being philosophical one night. I looked up into the heavens and saw the stars. I thought "One of these stars might be 88 light years away, meaning the light I am seeing left that star in 1917, the last year before 2005 that the Sox won the World Series."

The second inspiration was goofball columnist and passionate Cub fan Rick Morrissey, who loves to taunt and cheap shot Sox fans. He wrote a column saying that, true, the Sox won the Series, but Chicago will always be a Cub town. Your team is a winner, but my team is popular. Nyah, nyah. And so, I wrote this:


SETI Speaks!
We have made contact! Momentous event in history of mankind!
Tribune has exclusive of first ever contact with extraterrestrial intelligence!!

SETI, the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence, has announced the
first ever contact with life in outer space. The Trib is pleased to bring
you this first ever message from beyond the stars:

"Greetings, planet Earth. I am Zontagg, First Prefect of the planet
Klingor in the Baltar system. We are sending a message to you
to let you know that you and we are not alone.

First, congratulations! We have just now received news of Chicago's
momentous World Series victory! We are impressed with the way
the Cubs dismantled the Tigers and Ty Cobb. We are all big fans,
especially of Tinker, Evers and Chance.

Second, we direct our next greeting to the President of the United
States...Bully to you, President Roosevelt!"

(for full transcript, see page 2)

Morrissey in Sports: White Sox may have won this year's World Series, but it's a Cubs Universe



From Champs to Chumps
Sox lose first spring game
"new look" Sox don't look good

1984: A look back
In 1984, the White Sox followed up a 99-63
championship season with a 74-88 5th place
finish. Meanwhile, a Cub team not expected to
do anything shocked the world by winning a
division title; in the process they created a
whole new generation of Cub fans that
remains to this day. Will history repeat itself?
Yes, our experts agree:

Morrissey: 2006 will make 1984 look like nothing

Downey: Smells like deja vu to me

Sullivan: Excuse me, stupid people. Tell me one good reason why history can't repeat itself? I thought so.

Page 2: Juan Pierre and Jerry Hairston have potential to be next Dernier-Sandberg

Page 3: Paul Sullivan wins Frodo look-a-like contest.


A little background for this one: Actor William Petersen, an Evanston-born Cub fan, was interviewed by the Trib and was asked about the "other team" winning the World Series. "Oh, yeah." He said. "If a tree falls in a forest, does it really matter?"


CSI Mania!
Our guy talks to William Petersen, big Hollywood star and bigger Cub fan

CSI stands for "Crime Scene Investigation." To us
here at the Trib and to star William Petersen, it
also stands for "Cubs (World) Series Inevitable."

"Why am I a Cub fan? Easy! They're the best!"
says Bill. "The greatest! Can you say World
Series? First one for Chicago since 1945!"

What about the White Sox?

"Who? Oh, yeah. Them. I heard something about that. But having
grown up surrounded by privilege in Evanston, I never went to the
*shudder* dark, scary part of town. I'd get mugged by some truck
driver by the Ampitheatre. So, no. After all, if a tree falls in a forest
does it really matter?

But my Cubs! They're going all the way! Sure they have a hole or
two, but a stitch in time doesn't do you much good if you need ten
stitches. So don't count them out, because it ain't over until the
fat lady loses weight. And people say Cub fans aren't knowledgable.
Baloney. Remember, you can fool all of the people most of the time,
but you can't fool some of the people 75% of the time.

Another reason I am a Cub fan is I know how to pick a winner and
stay away from losers like the ghetto team. After all, look at my
track record. I turned down the films Platoon, Goodfellas, and
Heat. So I know how to pick 'em."


3/24/06: Ozzie Guillen took some heat for skipping a White House ceremony:

Dusty: I'll be there for first pitch
Patriotic Cubs skipper will stand next to President Bush during first pitch ceremony; Guillen skipped White House ceremony.

Morrissey: Founding Fathers would love Baker's gesture; "the Cubs are the reason we broke away from England" they'd say

McGrath editorial: Is Guillen an Enemy of the State?
Met with anti-American Chavez; lunch with bin Laden next?

Sullivan: In 1967 Eddie Stanky snubbed Vice-President Humphrey. In 2006 Guillen snubbed President Bush. A look back at all White Sox acts of sedition and treason.


White Sox World Series video not selling well
A&E video due out March 28th lagging far behind "This Old Cub"
"we didn't think it would be this bad. We have five pre-orders from Bridgeport. We expected at least 10." says A&E rep.

Morrissey: Put 2003 playoffs out on video, sales will be 100 times greater.

Sullivan: Can White Sox fans afford steep $70 price tag on minimum wage?

Guest columnist Jay Mariotti: White Sox are too much of a Bartman to ever sell a Bartman video with the greatest Bartmans of all Bartman. Bartman?


4/1/06: Tribune fool Rick Morrissey had written a column saying he had a "feeling" that the Cubs would win the division in 2006. He was bombarded with emails calling him biased and a Tribune toady. An outraged Morrissey, he of "it'll always be a Cub town" fame, was morally indignant at the charges of bias. He fired back, making an even bigger fool of himself. The column appeared, appropriately enough, on April Fool's Day, as did my parody.

Morrissey: Bias? What are you talking about?

Alright, that's it. I've had it with you paranoid whackos. You're all
enough to drive a sane, reasonable, affable, happy-go-lucky, terrific,
intelligent, talented, articulate, handsome guy like me right up the wall.

I picked the Cubs to win the division. And your reactions were sooooo
predictable. "You work for the Trib. You're a toady." was the typical

So I picked them. So what? No one in Trib Tower calls me and tells me
what to write. There isn't a conspiracy out there, OK? Cigarette Man
is not going to appear to you to tell you any deep dark secrets, OK?
So just get over it. My God.

I have a feeling, OK? Just a feeling. I mean, the Red Sox won in 2004,
the White Sox in 2005, so the Natural Law of the Universe dictates
that the Cubs MUST win in 2006. It only makes perfect sense, some-
thing that you conspiracy buffs have in short supply.

And why shouldn't the Cubs win? We...I mean they have suffered for
far longer than any other human beings on the face of the earth. They
deserve it just for bearing the 2005 White Sox with the classic, stoic
dignity that they have always had. Class is what it's called. Of course,
your reactions to the 2003 Cubs and the whole Human Tragedy of it
speaks volumes about...you. UGH. Just ask Father Feeley at the other
paper. He'll tell you the same thing. Jesus loves us and not you.

I swear I don't know where you people even get this stuff. Bias? There
is no damn bias, for the umpteenth time. Ok, so maybe I picked the Cubs
to win the division. And maybe I was jealous that the 2005 White Sox
won so easily and the 2003 Cubs collapsed. And maybe I wrote that it
is still a Cubs town, so nyah, nyah. And maybe I wrote that half the
people at the Sox parade were Cub fans who wanted to see a parade.
And maybe I said that A Cub parade would be the biggest ever in the
history of mankind. Does that mean I am biased? Brother.

(Note: The 2006 Cubs went 66-96 and finished last in the NL Central)

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