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In honor of actor Andy Garcia and his (unintentionally) hilarious reaction to Sofia (Mary Corleone) Coppola's death scene in "The Godfather, Part III."
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Yesterday's Tribune headlines

Posted 12-04-2010 at 02:46 PM by TommyJohn
Updated 12-19-2011 at 10:22 PM by TommyJohn

These headlines were inspired by the book "Our Dumb Century" by the writers of the Onion. They took historic headlines and put a comic twist on them. I started to think "what kind of headlines would we have seen if the Tribune owned the Cubs in 1901? I went to work. Funny, though-I could not come up with a good headline for 1906 (Sox beat Cubs in World Series) or 1919-20 (Black Sox Scandal). Those two events alone are ripe for comedy.

Anyway, I came up with these, along with the JFK headline, which was originally intended for this thread-I didn't use it because I couldn't upload the Ray Herbert picture. When I finally just copy-pasted it, I decided to edit in the headlines into this post:

In keeping with the spirit of the "Predict the Tribune headline" I got to thinking
of some of the headlines from the past. What would history look like to us if the
Tribune had bought the Cubs back in 1901? History might have been written
differently, literally. Here's a sample of how some headlines may have looked.


1901:
Chicago A.L. Nine Debut today
White Stockings rip off old Cub name
Have outfielder nicknamed "Dummy"
Team starts off on wrong foot with insensitivity to deaf and mute

1915:
Lusitania Sinks! Torpedoed by U-Boat!
"Ach, du lieber! I pretend ship vas first base coach!" said
south sider, White Sox fan and U-Boat Commander Wilhelm Ligue, who ordered torpedo fired

1917:
White Sox win World Series
Gift boneheaded play by Zim hands fluke championship to Sox; repeat unlikely


Chaos in Russia!
Russian Sox fans celebrate title by rioting, overthrowing government
Czar and family executed by overzealous fans
"Long live Bolshevism and the White Sox!" is the cry of the reds

1929:
Massacre!
Seven found machine-gunned to death in North Clark Street garage
South sider, White Sox fan and Capone rival Gugliemo Liguini believed to be hit mastermind


1939:
NAZI JUGGERNAUT SMASHES INTO POLAND
Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini take a break from war at White Sox game
"we're big fans!" say Axis leaders
Roosevelt, Churchill to meet at Wrigley Field today



1959:
Somber Pennant
Sox beat Tribe 4-2, take A.L. pennant
Air Raid Sirens scare Chicago to death
Khrushchev upset that Sox had everyone thinking he'd started World War III
"we will bury you again!" vows Soviet Premier; Ike to call emergency Cabinet meeting
Series starts here next week, barring Russian nuclear response



1963:
JFK Assassinated!!
35th President is sniper victim in downtown Dallas; LBJ takes oath
Suspect, 24, in custody







The next day:

Tribune Exclusive!
Lee Harvey Oswald a White Sox fan?



The Chicago Tribune has unearthed this rare photograph, which has
been identified as being one of Lee Harvey Oswald, accused assassin
of President Kennedy, taken at Comiskey Park in the summer of
1962. As you can see, Oswald was wearing a White Sox hat and
jersey, proclaiming his allegiance to his favorite team. The Tribune
has also obtained an exclusive interview with John D. Lusional, an
employee at Cook County Psychiatric Ward (or an inmate, we never
verified which) who was at the game and clearly remembers
seeing Oswald.

"He talked on and on about his two favorite Cubans-Fidel Castro
and Minnie Minoso." says Lusional.

Page 2: Was Oswald at Game 1 of 1959 World Series? Two blurry
photographs prove conclusively that he was


The next day:

Tribune Correction dept.

Yesterday the Tribune ran a picture, allegedly of Lee Harvey Oswald at Comiskey Park
wearing a White Sox hat and jersey. It has been confirmed that the man in the picture is
actually Ray Herbert, a White Sox pitcher who looks like Oswald. The Tribune regrets the
error. (not really.)
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