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In honor of actor Andy Garcia and his (unintentionally) hilarious reaction to Sofia (Mary Corleone) Coppola's death scene in "The Godfather, Part III."
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Posted 12-04-2010 at 03:07 PM by TommyJohn
Updated 08-10-2013 at 03:47 PM by TommyJohn

[B][SIZE=5]Wanted: Dead or Alive[/SIZE][/B]
[B][SIZE=5]Juan "The Kid" Uribe[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=5]White Sox shortstop shoots Navy officer[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=5]Report: gun used in shooting purchased outside Cell before Game 1 of 2005 ALDS[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=5]White Sox fans loudly cheer their new hero[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=5]"He's always been my favorite player! Go Juan!" -William Ligue, convicted felon, future Uribe cellmate and World's Number 1 White Sox fan[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=4]Guest columnist Greg Couch: Did playing with A.J. Pierzynski inspire Uribe to violence?[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=4]McGrath Editorial: Is there no end to the humiliation that Chicago must endure at the hands of this "team"?[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=6]Woo thumbs, bums his way to Buck O'Neill funeral[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=6]Pullout section: What's it like to be the woo? You ask woo! Doo be doo be doo.[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=4]Woo Woo: Man, I never knew being a loudmouthed,[/SIZE][/B]
[B][SIZE=4]annoying pain in the ass [/SIZE][/B][B][SIZE=4]could be so rewarding. All I [/SIZE][/B]
[B][SIZE=4]have to do [/SIZE][/B][B][SIZE=4]is show up somewhere in my funky ass[/SIZE][/B]
[B][SIZE=4]Cub uniform and doctors, lawyers [/SIZE][/B][B][SIZE=4]and Hollywood[/SIZE][/B]
[B][SIZE=4]celebrities fall all over me [/SIZE][/B][B][SIZE=4]and give me money. I wouldn't[/SIZE][/B]
[B][SIZE=4]be making [/SIZE][/B][B][SIZE=4]half as much if I was actually working for a[/SIZE][/B]

[B]HARUMPH! Rick Morrissey was appalled, APPALLED I tell you, when the Chicago Sun-Times replaced the "O" in its Chicago masthead with a Bears helmet and palm fronds, all but rooting for them to make that year's Super Bowl in Miami. [/B][B]This offended Rick, who couldn't believe that the Scum-Times would violate "the most sacred" of journalistic canons "thou shalt not root for the home team." [/B]

[B]Further comments not needed.[/B]

[B][SIZE=5]Morrissey: Sun-Times low class[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=4]I can't believe what I saw. The Sun-Times actually[/SIZE][/B]
[SIZE=4][B]put a Bears helmet in place of the "O" in the [/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]sacred name of our city. I have never been so [/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]disgusted in my entire life. My God. What utter[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]lowlifes. How can they disregard that most sacred[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]of ethical canons of journalism "thou shalt not [/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]root for the home team"? My sense of journalistic[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]integrity is offended! What were they thinking?[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]I, for one, would never, ever root for the White[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]Sox. Neither would any of my colleagues. But[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]then again, we don't work for a tabloid. Oh, sure[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]we all ruined Steve Bartman's life in 2003[/B][/SIZE][SIZE=4][B],[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]but he was a nerd cost my Cubbies[/B][/SIZE][B][SIZE=4] the World Series,[/SIZE][/B]
[B][SIZE=4]so he had it coming.[/SIZE][/B]

[SIZE=4][B]One more thing before I end this article, plug[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]my nose and go delouse to wash off the diseases[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]that the Sun-Times has inflicted on me and all[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]good, honest journalists: the Bears might win the[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]Super Bowl this year. If they do, their welcome[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]home parade will make the White Sox parade[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]look like a family picnic in the park. And when[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]my Cubbies win it in 2007 (I know I picked 2006[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]because I said I had a special feeling. Well this[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]year I have a special, special feeling) it will make[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]the Bears parade seem like a family picnic in the[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]park! GO CUBS![/B][/SIZE]

[SIZE=4][B]Ahem. Excuse me. I must go wash the stink of the [/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]Sun-Times off my suit. A pity they are still in the[/B][/SIZE]
[SIZE=4][B]same city as our Bastion of Integrity. Disgraceful.[/B] [/SIZE]
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