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In honor of actor Andy Garcia and his (unintentionally) hilarious reaction to Sofia (Mary Corleone) Coppola's death scene in "The Godfather, Part III."
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continuing...

Posted 12-04-2010 at 01:29 PM by TommyJohn
Updated 05-29-2011 at 10:45 AM by TommyJohn

[B][SIZE=4]Editorial: Woman was just following tradition[/SIZE][/B]

[B]By now, you have all heard about the incident in which an overserved,[/B]
[B]slightly tipsy woman threw a ball at Cub outfielder Jacque Jones. If so,[/B]
[B]you most certainly haven't been reading this paper. There were the [/B]
[B]usual cries of outrage, mostly from those nuts who root for another[/B]
[B]team who believe that we would make hay of it had it happened at[/B]
[B]another ballpark, but anybody who reads us knows that is not the [/B]
[B]truth. They also mentioned that the woman was not arrested for her[/B]
[B]deed.[/B]

[B]Well, we have decided the reason for that. It is because she wasn't[/B]
[B]aiming the ball at Jones with intent to hurt him. Oh sure, Jones has[/B]
[B]been playing poorly of late, has made baserunning gaffes and has [/B]
[B]been the target of boos and racial slurs from a fanbase that is tired[/B]
[B]of losing, wants only to win, is clearly upset and frustrated and wants[/B]
[B]their favorite team to win the World Series; because all Chicago [/B]
[B]deserves one because we have waited so long and so patiently.[/B]

[B]We say no, she didn't toss it out of frustration, but to follow that [/B]
[B]grand and glorious Wrigley Field tradition of throwing the ball back[/B]
[B]on the field after an opponent's home run. Granted, the Cubs were[/B]
[B]winning 4-0, so no opponent home run had been hit. And granted,[/B]
[B]Jones is a guy targeted by fans. But hey, coincidences happen, right?[/B]
[B]Well, that's all this was. A coincidence. The woman was a little tipsy[/B]
[B]and perhaps thought that a home run was hit, so she threw it. She[/B]
[B]was a little confused! Cubbie fans act so cute when they're drunk,[/B]
[B]unlike snarly, mean White Sox fan drunks who slap player's wives.[/B]
[B]Now if that wasn't an assault with attempt to harm, I don't know [/B]
[B]what was.[/B]

[B]It is no surprise that she wanted to throw the ball back. After all,[/B]
[B]it is a grand and glorious tradition that originated in Wrigley Field,[/B]
[B]where all grand and glorious baseball traditions started; such as the[/B]
[B]7th inning stretch rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." The [/B]
[B]woman wanted to be a part of baseball history and lend her own[/B]
[B]contribution to the mystique of Wrigley Field. And who can blame[/B]
[B]her? It truly is one of the Seven Wonders of the World, full of tradition.[/B]
[B]Tradition is what it has. Tradition. It was just a part of the tradition.[/B]

______________________________________

[B]This was a parody of a Paul Sullivan article written after the famous AJ-Barrett brawl. Sullivan spun Barrett's unprovoked punch into a story in which "agitator" AJ "had it coming."[/B]

[B][SIZE=5]Maddux assaults water cooler[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=4]Sullivan: Maddux has spirit. The cooler had it coming[/SIZE][/B]
[B]The water cooler stood there, staring directly at Maddux. It just [/B]
[B]acted too cool and calm. Maddux was in a frenzy, having given[/B]
[B]up six runs. Who could blame him? He has plenty of spirit. Many [/B]
[B]an opponent used to complain about the calm, cool water cooler[/B]
[B]standing there, taunting endlessly, acting as if nothing at all was[/B]
[B]going on. The water cooler is easily one of the worst agitators in all[/B]
[B]of baseball. How dare it try to simply stand there and dispense [/B]
[B]refreshing water when the Cubs are in such a funk? The final straw[/B]
[B]came when the cooler bubbled with glee. Maddux, filled with spirit,[/B]
[B]could take no more. He acted, and I for one am glad he did. I am tired[/B]
[B]of water coolers and their "why me?" act. I'm tired of them giving[/B]
[B]out just water, and so are a lot of other people. How about some [/B]
[B]Gatorade once in a while?[/B]
_____________________________________

[SIZE=7][B]A.J. Acquitted[/B][/SIZE]
[B][SIZE=5]Fight instigator walks away with fine[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=5]Verdict "terrible blow to our Justice System!" yells Talking Head.[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=5]O.J. to A.J.: "Be strong. They got nothing on you."[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=5]A.J.: "I'm going to devote my life to finding the guy who really started that fight."[/SIZE][/B]
_____________________________________

[B][SIZE=7]AGAIN![/SIZE][/B]
[B][SIZE=7]Fan runs out on field at CELL[/SIZE][/B]
[B][SIZE=6]Drunken moron collared by security as moronic crowd cheers him[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=4]Sullivan: I'm tired of you people! Grow up already! My God! I'm so frustrated I'm going to cry![/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=4]Zorn: Criminals run amok in Cell. Is Chicago safe?[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=4]McGrath Editorial: If only the White Sox would pack up and leave town, this wouldn't be an issue. How about it Jerry? Leave Chicago to its true team and greatest fans[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=4]A look back at Ligue, Dybas and all other incidents[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=4]Vanderberg: I remember Willie; A look back at Willie Harris, first White Sox fan to run on field and attack someone[/SIZE][/B]

[B][SIZE=4]Father Feeley: Jesus loves us all except low class, ethnic bleep White Sox fans[/SIZE][/B]
_____________________________________

[SIZE=1]Trib Corrections Department[/SIZE]

[SIZE=1]Yesterday the Trib reported that a White Sox fan ran out on the field at the Cell and was[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]cheered by the crowd. It was brought to the editorial staff's attention that the White Sox[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]actually played in Toronto on that day. The incident that we reported as happening at the[/SIZE]
[SIZE=1]Cell did not happen at all, anywhere. The Trib regrets the error. (Not really.)[/SIZE]
_____________________________________

[B]Back in 2006, Ozzie Guillen caused an uproar when he used a famous three letter slur for gays to describe Jay Mariotti. The jayster, who loves to insult the masculinity of athletes ("LaToya Hawkins" "Big Skirt" "Limp Ditka") cried to the world about the horrible Ozzie and what a meanie he was for picking on him. He still obsesses over the slur to this day. I chipped in my two cents:[/B]

[B][SIZE=6]Gay groups angered by Guillen's slur[/SIZE][/B]
[B][SIZE=5]"we are beyond offended that you are lumping Jay Mariotti with us. We don't want him" says GLAAD rep[/SIZE][/B]
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