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View Full Version : Make your own Kenny Williams Chuck Norris Style Joke


Tekijawa
12-28-2005, 04:24 PM
Kenny Williams once went back in time to write a book with the Pen Name "Billy Beane" just to make himself look that much better than all the other Baseball GM's!

SouthSide_HitMen
12-28-2005, 04:29 PM
Kenny Williams works one day (Wednesday) a week - just to give the other teams a chance.

maurice
12-28-2005, 05:04 PM
KW is so good at flying under the radar that the U.S. Government hired KW to design stealth bombers. The government offered KW $200 billion to design a prototype, but he insisted on doing it for only $50 billion. To make up the budget shortfall, he traded Josh Stewart to Japan for Tad Iguchi and $150 billion.

SoxFan76
12-28-2005, 05:27 PM
Kenny Williams doesn't sit down and work out contracts with players, he stares them down until they sign for what KENNY WILLIAMS wants.

The Chicago Cubs offered Kerry Wood for Mark Buehrle, and when Kenny heard this news he quickly roundhouse kicked Hendry in the face and took the entire Cubs organization for himself, further improving the defending World Champions (barely).

(Improv folks, bear with me, lol)

Tekijawa
12-28-2005, 05:33 PM
Kenny Williams once flew under the radar so low that he didn't even know he was there and he almost traded Mark Buehrle to Himself for Lance Broadway, Josh Fields, and Cash. Upon realizing what he had done Kenny sent out a laugh that shook the heavens and threatened to kill himself if he ever tried to do it again!

spiffie
12-28-2005, 05:35 PM
Kenny Williams once hit 26 HR in a minor league game, but it was disallowed when it was discovered that he was actually just roundhouse kicking the pitcher before he threw, causing pitcher and ball to go flying over the fence.

SOXPHILE
12-28-2005, 05:37 PM
-The World Series Trophy will soon be re-named the Kenny Williams Trophy. For short, it will be called The Kenny.

-They're not doing expansion work on the bleachers at Wrigley. They're repairing them; Kenny Williams was walking by them after the World Series parade, laughed, and knocked them down with a few karate chops and spin kicks.

Tekijawa
12-28-2005, 05:42 PM
This year the World Series Rings will be made out of the actual World Series as Kenny Williams has learned how to bend and shape space and time.


The World Series actually lasted 6 games but Kenny Williams negotiated it down to 4 games and a Parade.

cleanwsox
12-28-2005, 05:54 PM
Kenny Williams does not work for the Chicago White Sox. The Chicago White Sox work for Kenny Williams.

Rocky Soprano
12-28-2005, 05:57 PM
Kenny Williams doesn't eat churros, he swallows them whole.

travelinman89
12-28-2005, 05:58 PM
One time Kenny went back in time and stole a pie from the Queen of England and ate it in one bite and said "Mmmmm.Pie, tastes good"

HebrewHammer
12-28-2005, 06:00 PM
Kenny Williams doesn't sleep. He waits.

On MLB 2006, whenever you use the White Sox in GM mode, your team starts roundhouse kicking their opponent. When Kenny Williams was asked about this glitch, he said, "That's no glitch."

Kenny Williams invented the question mark while negotiating the Scott Podsednik trade.

When Kenny Williams jumps into the ocean, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Williams.

Kenny Williams once wrestled a bear and signed it to a three year deal. The impressive part? Scott Boras was the bear's agent.

SOecks
12-28-2005, 07:05 PM
This thread could easily top the "Write Tomorrow's Cubune Headlines" one. All solid so far. :gulp:

hose
12-28-2005, 07:42 PM
Who is the man
Who would risk his neck for his brother man?
Kenny Williams!
Who's the cat who won't cop out
When there's danger all about?
Kenny Williams!
He's a complicated man
And no one understands him like his woman
You say this cat Williams is a mean mother-
Shut ya mout'!
I'm talkin' 'bout Kenny Williams!
Then we can dig it!!!

ericiii
12-28-2005, 08:11 PM
Kenny Williams is currently suing MLB, claiming Grand and Slam are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

TheDarkGundam
12-28-2005, 09:47 PM
Oh man, this is some awesome stuff!
Keep this going and I might have to change the link in my sig!
Here's some:
Kenny Williams played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won

Kenny Williams was never born like a mortal man. Mortal men are babies first. Kenny Williams simply willed himself into existence.

Kenny Williams does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Kenny Williams goes killing.

On the 7th day, God rested...Kenny Williams however, signed Garland to a new deal.

spiffie
12-28-2005, 09:53 PM
The first time through the White Sox actually lost game 2 of the ALCS. Then Kenny Williams flew around the Earth so fast he spun time backwards. He then went into the locker room and threatened AJP with a roundhouse kick if he didn't run on any possible dropped 3rd strikes.

Kenny Williams was the first choice to play Dumbledore in the Harry Potter movies, but no one would have believed that he couldn't just roundhouse kick Voldemort out of existence.

dcb56
12-29-2005, 01:28 AM
It was once believed that Kenny Williams actually lost a fight to a mini-Ditka, but that is a lie, created by Kenny Williams himself to lure more mini-Ditkas to him. Becuase of this it can only be assumed mini-Ditkas never were very smart because if they were they would've realized they should've kept on fighting hurricanes instead.

HebrewHammer
12-29-2005, 01:38 AM
When Kenny Williams passes "Go" he collects $400 and signs Paul Konerko to a 5 year deal.

churlish
12-29-2005, 01:51 AM
Kenny Williams' tears cure curses. Too bad he has never cried.

When Billy Beane goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Kenny Williams.

Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000 women in his lifetime. Kenny Williams calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Kenny Williams sleeps with a night light. Not because Kenny Williams is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Kenny Williams.

Chisox003
12-29-2005, 02:02 AM
Kenny Williams was once asked what kind of men he wanted playing for his team. Silently, he bent over and opened his brief case, and slowly pulled out the corpse of Sun Times "columnist" Jay Mariotti, who had been folded several times over to fit. Upon plopping the lifeless mass to the floor, Williams calmly said "Not that," and strutted away.


During the celebration following game 4 of the World Series, Kenny Williams demanded a fork and a knife. He sat down, and piece by piece he feasted on the World Series trophy. A few days later, and after several god-like, ground shaking bowel movements, Williams was asked if he thought his moves could be considered "gold." Calmly, he responded: "Gold? I **** gold." He proceeded to deliver a roundhouse kick to the reporter's face.

SouthSide_HitMen
12-29-2005, 02:12 AM
:threadrules:

:KW "More importantly - I rule - The Chicago White Sox!"



http://byob92tx.tripod.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/pr_filme_waynes_world_1_219_270.jpg

"They're not worthy, they're not worthy (to be called GMs)"

:fobbgod:

http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/images/2003/10/23/9BYJUknq.jpg

"Beane, I'm going to put you in my belly".

Joosh
12-29-2005, 02:31 AM
Ken Williams once appeared on the special baseball edition of Fear Factor, not as a contestant, but as a stunt. There were no winners and 6 deaths on the show that day. Kenny has not been invited back, and the Red Sox and Yankees were able to shed 100 million in excess payroll.


Anonymous is one of Kenny Williams' many Pseudonames.



Kenny Williams can watch a season of "24" in just three hours.


ViKenny Willaims needs no cell phone because he communicates via telepathic progeny. Which also gets good Talk2Talk service.

The last one finally puts to rest all those "heard Kenny talking on a cell phone at baggage claim," rumors. :D:

peeonwrigley
12-29-2005, 02:57 AM
Kenny Williams talks on his phone in an airport every day spreading false rumors to keep other GMs on their toes. The amazing part, Kenny Williams has never physically been in an airport, nor has he ever touched a cell phone.

Instead of Jesse Jackson, the US now calls on Kenny Williams for delicate negotiating situations. Kenny's only bargaining strategy is "Magglio."

Kenny Williams brought Chicago a World Series.

CubsfansareDRUNK
12-29-2005, 03:04 AM
keep it up guys

UofCSoxFan
12-29-2005, 03:32 AM
More of a Bill Brasky quote but I'll go with it:

"Did I ever tell you about the time Kenny Williams took me out to build a team with him? We go off looking for grinders and we can't find any. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough some agents flock around us. That day Williams signed a new second baseman, a catcher, some starting pitchers, and traded for an all-star left-fielder. After winning ten straight World Series Championships, Williams decided to call it a career, but first he released all of these grinders and then signed multiple wothless power hitters with averages less than .250. Williams yelled over the roar of disappointed fans, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'"

hose
12-29-2005, 07:22 AM
:fobbgod:
"Sometimes I dream
That he is me
You've got to see that's how I dream to be
I dream I move, I dream I groove
Like Kenny
If I could Be Like Kenny
Like Kenny
Oh, if I could Be Like Kenny
Be Like Kenny, Be Like kenny
Again I try
Just need to fly
For just one day if I could
Be that way
I dream I move
I dream I groove
Like Kenny
If I could Be Like Kenny
I wanna be, I wanna be
Like Kenny
Oh, if I could Be Like Kenny."

Dan Mega
12-29-2005, 08:34 AM
When the umps say "Play Ball", Kenny Williams says "Say please".

Jaffar
12-29-2005, 09:24 AM
When Jerry Manuel couldn't win with power, Kenny said, “don’t worry about it Jerry, you're fired” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with pitching, speed, defense and World Series Championship. When Jerry asked him how he had done it, he gave him a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Kenny Williams.”

Baby Fisk
12-29-2005, 09:46 AM
George Lucas is a fool. Instead of spending a billion dollars for special effects in his movies, he could have just asked Kenny Williams to appear on set. If Kenny Williams were to roundhouse kick a model of the Death Star, the explosive energy release would make the work of Industrial Light and Magic look like a sparkler.

Kenny Williams never uses doors. The thunderous might of his fists can reduce any wall to rubble, yet he strikes with such precision that only a Kenny Williams-sized hole is smashed through the wall. Anything else would be excessive.

Kenny Williams cannot talk the birds out of the trees. Instead, he glares angrily at the trees until their branches fall to the earth, taking the birds down with them.

RedHeadPaleHoser
12-29-2005, 09:57 AM
Kenny Williams does more work hindered with kidney stones than all other GM's do healthy.

SOecks
12-29-2005, 10:07 AM
Can we have this thread moved to the Clubhouse so more people can see it and contribute?

Kenny Williams doesn't read scouting reports. He stares at a player until he gets the information he wants.

Kenny Williams is not hung like a horse...horses are hung like Kenny Williams.

Jaffar
12-29-2005, 10:10 AM
There are two kinds of GM's in this world: Those who suck, and Kenny Williams

cleanwsox
12-29-2005, 10:25 AM
Neil Armstrong's first words on the moon were not "And thats one small step..." they were actually "KENNY WILLIAMS?? What the **** are you doing here?" NASA had to dub over his words to protect their interests.

mark2olson
12-29-2005, 10:30 AM
A reporter once asked Kenny Williams if he read the Tribune for his news. Kenny Williams replied, "Kenny Williams MAKES the news, Kenny Williams does not read the news!" He then roundhouse kicked the reporter in the face.

After game two of the ALCS, Paul Sullivan asked Kenny Williams if he thought the win was tainted. Kenny Williams roundhouse-kicked Sullivan in the face and said, "No one uses the word 'tainted' in the presence of Kenny Williams."

Dusty Baker once asked Kenny Williams if he had a spare toothpick. Kenny Williams reached across the land, grabbed the largest redwood tree in the world, chewed it up, and spit out a perfectly smooth toothpick. Dusty said "thanks," and put it in his mouth. At that point, Kenny Williams roundhouse-kicked Dusty and said, "nobody uses toothpicks in the presence of Kenny Williams."

RedHeadPaleHoser
12-29-2005, 10:47 AM
These are leaning towards that Leon character in the Budweiser commercials!!

PAPChiSox729
12-29-2005, 11:02 AM
There are two kinds of GM's in this world: Those who suck, and Kenny Williams


:roflmao:
How true!

:thumbsup:

skottyj242
12-29-2005, 11:42 AM
Kenny Williams eats every meal with chopsticks just for the challenge.

lumpyspun
12-29-2005, 12:13 PM
Kenny Williams is so much better than the other GMs that he must be taking a B-12 vitamin injection...

Flight #24
12-29-2005, 12:27 PM
It was erroneously reported that Kenny Williams is having surgery to remove a kidney stone. In truth, the kidney stone is going to plea bargaining to convince Kenny to let it go.

SOecks
12-29-2005, 12:37 PM
It was erroneously reported that Kenny Williams is having surgery to remove a kidney stone. In truth, the kidney stone is going to plea bargaining to convince Kenny to let it go.

Kenny and the kidney stone eventually reached a settlement. KW then traded the stone for a 7th starting pitcher just because he can.

dcb56
12-29-2005, 01:06 PM
Kenny Williams eats every meal with chopsticks just for the challenge.

Hardly! Kenny Williams is not challenged by the use of chopsticks at all, in fact the reason he uses them to eat every meal is becuase he has programmed his own saliva to turn his used chopsticks into perfectly formed baseball bats as soon as the saliva left on them has dried. The White Sox have not had to purchase a baseball bat since 2001 becuase of this amazing skill.

skobabe8
12-29-2005, 01:50 PM
Arnold Schwarzenneger confessed in a recent interview that he spent the summer of 1983 in the White Sox minor leagues studying a young player named Kenny Williams to gain inspiration for a role in a movie that would be released the following year. That movie was The Terminator.

Fake Chet Lemon
12-29-2005, 02:02 PM
"I had a lot, but brother Kenny had much more."
-Wilt Chamberlain

Albert Einstein was just a confused, frustrated old man until Kenny Williams said "Hey Al, on that E=MC, you forgot the 2." Genius was then unleashed.

Yes, it IS true. Kenny Williams is the original Adam, as in Adam and Eve. Therefore rejoice, we are all his offspring!!!

skottyj242
12-29-2005, 02:12 PM
Kenny Williams knows what's inside the briefcase in "Pulp Fiction."

PicktoCLick72
12-29-2005, 02:14 PM
Kenny Williams once saw Joan Cusack at a Sox game. When Joan came to talk to him, Kenny gave her a roundhouse kick to the face that broke her in two. When asked about why he did it, Kenny replied, he did not like heracting in the recent US Cellular commercial.

SouthSide_HitMen
12-29-2005, 02:15 PM
Humans fear Daleks.

Daleks fear Kenny Williams.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/treasurehunt/gallery/images/340/daleks.jpg

Palehose13
12-29-2005, 02:18 PM
Kenny Williams recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull.

RallyBowl
12-29-2005, 02:21 PM
Kenny Williams knows what's inside the briefcase in "Pulp Fiction."

Yeah, it's his dirty laundry. That's right, Johnny T and Sam L wash Kennys' dirty draws.

batmanZoSo
12-29-2005, 02:30 PM
Ken Williams is anything but a "general" manager. His objective is quite specific: kicking your ass at every phaze of the game.

Ken Williams is such an adept negotiator, his current wife was a virgin when they met and by the end of the night, she was pregnant with triplets.

Ken Williams does not ask for grilled onions on his hot dog. They know what they're supposed to do...

One time Ken Williams got some yellow mustard on his finely-tailored tweed blazer. The mustard was so horrified by Kenny's stern glare, it willed itself into seltzer water.

Ken Williams cannot win Executive of the Year. This is much in the same light as Jesus Christ can't win Time Magazine's Man of the Year award.

lumpyspun
12-29-2005, 02:31 PM
Just heard that Kenny traded the lady from Roseanne (Laurie Metcalf) for Billy Corgan.

Mohoney
12-29-2005, 02:31 PM
Contrary to reports, Kenny Williams doesn't actually have kidney stones. He has decided to make an end run around the jewelers' lobby and compress carbon in his kidneys to forge the diamonds for the World Series rings. This feat is all the more challenging because he has decided to forge 110 diamonds per ring, one for each White Sox victory in 2005. As he passes each diamond, Angus Young gently strums the opening riff from "Thunderstruck" on acoustic guitar.

Palehose13
12-29-2005, 02:33 PM
Kenny Williams does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

batmanZoSo
12-29-2005, 02:41 PM
Kenny Williams' abs are so hard, light cannot escape them.

Kenny Williams' office contains many leather-bound books and smells of rich mahogany. In fact Kenny, himself, is a gold-embossed first edition.

Tekijawa
12-29-2005, 02:45 PM
The physical Kenny Williams we know is not the real Kenny Williams, the real Kenny Williams is a thousand times brighter than the sun and yet he is too dark to see. He just appears in human form to make it easier for us to handle. Thank you Kenny Williams!

If Kenny Williams Fell in a Forest and no one was around to hear it, we would still hear it!

Kenny Williams knows the sound of one hand clapping.

Kenny Williams actually has a gravitational field, and it is so strong that the moon is orbiting around him and not the earth.

Jaffar
12-29-2005, 03:07 PM
Kenny Williams eats "No Names" and "Has Beens" for breakfast, and he ****s out Champions.

Kenny Williams does not use spellcheck. If he happens to misspell a word, he simply changes the acutal spelling of it.

Only Kenny Williams knows if a tree that has fallen in the forest with no one there to hear it makes a noise... and he won't tell.

Kenny Williams beat up MacGyver using only a paper clip, a rubber band, and a pinecone.

If Kenny Williams doesn't like you, how can you like yourself?

Dan Mega
12-29-2005, 03:52 PM
FDR once said "The only thing to fear is fear itself, and Kenny Williams"

Gosh I hope KW sees this, bet he would slightly chuckle :D:

Palehose13
12-29-2005, 03:55 PM
FDR once said "The only thing to fear is fear itself, and Kenny Williams"

Gosh I hope KW sees this, bet he would slightly chuckle :D:

Kenny Williams doesn't chuckle, for if he did it would cause earthquakes in Japan.

Tekijawa
12-29-2005, 03:56 PM
Kenny Williams once woke up on the wrong side of the Bed, but he was still able to sign Konerko to a 5 year $60 deal.

Kenny Williams changed grinders from sandwiches into CHAMPIONS.

RedHeadPaleHoser
12-29-2005, 03:57 PM
FDR once said "The only thing to fear is fear itself, and Kenny Williams"

Gosh I hope KW sees this, bet he would slightly chuckle :D:

The last page and a 1/2, I've been laughing loudly.

maurice
12-29-2005, 04:06 PM
KW did chuckle once . . . but first he warned Noah.

KW loves grinders so much that he once visited a great mountain range in Northern Arizona and grinded for 3 whole days. That mountain range is now known as the Grand Canyon. Nearby Williams, AZ is named after KW.

The_Floridian
12-29-2005, 04:26 PM
"Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for Kenny Williams." --John F. Kennedy

Kenny Williams invented the infield.

Scientists recently discovered that the songs of humpback whales are actually requests for autographed pictures of Kenny Williams.

cleanwsox
12-29-2005, 04:36 PM
http://img504.imageshack.us/img504/7817/200203122a3008ad.jpg

The Homeland Security Advisory scale is only used when Kenny Williams is out of the country. There is no need to use it when Kenny is in the country.

Tekijawa
12-29-2005, 04:49 PM
While out on the trophy tour the car Kenny was traveling in hit a dog. With reporters and cameras around Kenny told the driver to stop the car. Kenny went over to the mangled mess that once was a dog and brought it back to life for all the reporters and bystanders to see. Then he snapped the dogs neck, and proclaimed "now you all see, What Kenny Williams giveth, Kenny Williams can taketh away!"

Baby Fisk
12-29-2005, 04:57 PM
As a side hobby, Kenny will assist stadium wrecking crews that request his services. Here he is doing a number on Veterans' Stadium, using nothing but roundhouse kicks:

http://media.phillyburbs.com/2004/03/22/0322implosion.jpg

Chisox003
12-29-2005, 05:10 PM
As a young boy, Kenny Williams often played with Lincoln Logs. Once, he built the largest Lincoln Log structure known to man. We now know this building as the "Sears Tower."

Kenny Williams once drank an entire lake using only a straw. The amazing thing: Kenny Williams has never used a straw.

After reading the Genesis story in the Bible, Kenny Williams realized there was no need for days 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, or 7. He then physically roundhouse kicked these usless days back into Heaven, where God has them stored in his pocket.

batmanZoSo
12-29-2005, 05:16 PM
As a side hobby, Kenny will assist stadium wrecking crews that request his services. Here he is doing a number on Veterans' Stadium, using nothing but roundhouse kicks:

http://media.phillyburbs.com/2004/03/22/0322implosion.jpg

Half-true. While KW is the man responisble for the above catastrophe, earthquakes are actually the by-product of a KW roundhouse-kick. The relatively minor feat here is just the result of a KW stare-down. Or so I've been told..:o:

Ken Williams has infinite mass.

If Ken Williams is travelling at the speed of light and you turn his headlights on...expect a roundhouse-kick-to-the-face in your future.

Ken Williams has his own atmosphere of ammonia and methane with traces of oxygen and nitrogen. He also has a swirling mantle of liquid metallic hydrogen, a core of mostly iron and nickel, and 27 satellites.

Ken Williams is a nice guy actually.

A teaspoon full of KW matter weighs 100 million tons.

If you put a phonograph needle to KW's left nipple, it plays The Chronic.

Palehose13
12-29-2005, 05:47 PM
Kenny Williams has hundreds of copies of the book "Moneyball". He uses the pages for toliet paper.

hose
12-29-2005, 06:03 PM
Gord Ash had a full head of hair and a job before dealing with Kenny Williams.

:dumbash

batmanZoSo
12-29-2005, 06:08 PM
Gord Ash had a full head of hair and a job before dealing with Kenny Williams.

:dumbash

LMAO. He was thin, too.

Corlose 15
12-29-2005, 06:11 PM
Kenny Williams knows why we like Apple Jacks even though they don't taste like apples.

maurice
12-29-2005, 06:13 PM
At the end of the 2003 season, KW heard that he was dissed in Moneyball and became mildly perterbed, so he glared at the Oakland A's roster. The glare caused the ERAs of Chad Bradford and Mark Mulder to go from the low 3.00s to the mid-4.00s. He then let out a mild snicker, which made Eric Chavez infertile.

TheDarkGundam
12-29-2005, 06:25 PM
Kenny Williams knows what's at the top of The Dark Tower, and it's not God. It's Kenny Williams.
(anyone get it?)

Kenny Williams got the one perfectly functioning Xbox 360. He then sold it on eBay and used the money to re-sign Konerko.

Corlose 15
12-29-2005, 06:30 PM
Kenny Williams understands the movie Mulholland Drive.

Kenny Williams knows how to express the square root of negative one as a real number.

SoxSideIrish
12-29-2005, 06:31 PM
He then let out a mild snicker, which made Eric Chavez infertile.
HAHA!

Kenny Williams CAN divide by zero.

Kenny Williams has kidney stones. Thats not amazing. What is amazing, is the fact that he once passed 5 kidney stones, divided by zero and then made Jon Garland swallow the kidney stones and his pride. Jon was so thankful that he signed for much less than market value.

Kenny Williams enjoyed kidney stones so much that he passed just under 100 million in one night. The entire White Sox roster is now payed in millions of kidney stones.

KW created Jay Mariotti out of absolutely nothing. His reasoning? He was bored proving everyone else wrong.

KW once embaressed the entire male portion of the ESPN staff. No, not by winning the World Series, but by impregnating all of their wives...3 times...in one night.

EDIT: This one is dirty and its also a play on a Vin Diesel joke.

Kenny Williams once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

santo=dorf
12-29-2005, 07:02 PM
Ken Williams did not trade for Roberto Alomar and Carl Everett on two seprate occasions. He simply turned back time by saying "booyah!"

wdelaney72
12-29-2005, 08:10 PM
Inspired from the "Best Albums of 2005" thread in the parking lot.

Kenny Williams makes Lemmy look like George Michael.

RallyBowl
12-29-2005, 08:29 PM
I came home from work early one day, and walked in on Kenny Williams making love to my wife. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

SOecks
12-29-2005, 10:52 PM
There are no injured players in MLB, only those who have crossed Kenny Williams

One day Kenny Williams looked in the mirror and said "Nobody outstares Kenny Williams"...he is still there to this day.

Kenny Williams can make two wrongs equal a right (or in his case, can make two scrub pitchers equal a top flight starter)

SOX LA Mikey
12-29-2005, 11:48 PM
Not only did KennyWilliams compose the Pirates of the Caribbean theme that is played before every WhiteSox home game, He was humming it as he Singlehandedly wiped out EVERY Pirate of the Caribbean and Pittsburgh
(except Rob Mackowiak, whom he took prisoner) Then he traded Damaso Marte to NOBODY

:supernana:

Norberto7
12-29-2005, 11:59 PM
And Kenny Williams said: Let there be God. And it was so. And Kenny Williams saw that God was good. And God began to rest, until met with the gaze of Kenny Williams.

row18
12-30-2005, 12:06 AM
The cream and clear is code for Kenny Williams' spit.

TheDarkGundam
12-30-2005, 12:31 AM
Kenny Williams knows the answer to the question, "Do I need to cell?". The answer is a roundhouse kick to the face.

Kenny Williams has been known to "strap it up" and "strap it down", but he has never, EVER, "strapped it on".

FireMariotti
12-30-2005, 12:55 AM
Kenny Williams knows the answer to the question, "Do I need to cell?". The answer is a roundhouse kick to the face.

:rolling: I was waiting for this to come up in this thread

Iwritecode
12-30-2005, 12:57 AM
Kenny Williams knows what's at the top of The Dark Tower, and it's not God. It's Kenny Williams.
(anyone get it?)

*raises hand*


I thought it would be Gan.

:)

hsnterprize
12-30-2005, 01:01 AM
Here's a couple more...

Kenny Williams is really Luke Skywalker's father. Anakin was only his "stunt double".

In paying tribute to late pro wrestler "Ravishing" Rick Rude, Kenny Williams starts his trade negotiations by telling the other teams, "What I'd like to have right now...is for all you fat...lazy...overhyped...crap teams that spend too much on no talent...keep the noise down while I make another earth-shattering deal, and show the ladies what a real GM's supposed to look like...HIT THE MUSIC!!!!!"

Oh if only I knew how to PhotoShop KW's head to Rude's body, the joke would be perfect.

zach074
12-30-2005, 01:05 AM
The executive of the year isnt given out to the best GM its given to who ever Kenny made look the worst.

batmanZoSo
12-30-2005, 01:15 AM
Ringo replaced Pete Best as drummer for the Beatles because the latter wasn't good enough. Before Pete Best, however, was Kenny Williams, who was booted on the grounds that the other three Beatles simply could not keep up with him.

Ken Williams invented the question mark. Nevertheless, do not ****ing question Ken Williams.

When Kenny Williams jumps into a body of water, he does not get wet--the water, instead, gets Kenny Williamsed.

Kenny Williams is a sunuva****!

monkeypants
12-30-2005, 01:48 AM
Ken Williams traded for Ken Berry and instead got Javier Vazquez.

SOX ADDICT '73
12-30-2005, 01:55 AM
Kenny Williams can make a pitcher's ERA drop by 2 runs simply by pointing at him and saying, "Booyah."

Kenny Williams, posing as an Austrian knee surgeon, implanted a special hernia-causing time-release roundhouse kick inside Magglio Ordonez.
Kenny Williams traded Aaron Rowand for Jim Thome, but not before tying an 800-mile long nylon tether around the centerfielder's ankle. On Opening Day, Williams will laugh loudly and tug gently on the tether, causing Rowand to come flying back from Philly. And there's not a damn thing they can do about it.

Kenny Williams ate an entire Mark Buehrle box of Wheaties, cardboard and all. Jim Hendry signed his subsequent bowel movement to a 4 year, 40 million dollar contract. It pitched more games in 2006 than Wood and Prior combined.

Fake Chet Lemon
12-30-2005, 09:16 AM
Little known facts:

Kenny Williams did in fact create the Rosetta stone after he got bored making ashtrays for Mark Grace out of his pottery.

The sling shot and rock injured the giant, but the roundhouse kick from Kenny is what truly took him down.

Tekijawa
12-30-2005, 09:25 AM
Someone once bet Kenny Williams $50 bucks he couldn't Finnish a Gallon of Milk in an hour with out Puking, Kenny Williams then Drank 3 gallons of milk in a half hour and only took $25 bucks for the bet. Immediately after receiving the money Kenny Williams Produced Six Gallons of milk and handed back $100 dollars to the person that bet him. Stunned and amazed the person asked him how he did that... and that person hasn't been seen since!

Irishsoxfan
12-30-2005, 09:58 AM
Every episode of South Park is being re-edited. "Oh my God, they killed Kenny" is being replaced by "Oh my God, Kenny killed everyone", with roundhouse kicks of course.

SOecks
12-30-2005, 10:17 AM
Kenny Williams ate an entire Mark Buehrle box of Wheaties, cardboard and all. Jim Hendry signed his subsequent bowel movement to a 4 year, 40 million dollar contract. It pitched more games in 2006 than Wood and Prior combined.
Absolutely classic!!!

maurice
12-30-2005, 06:33 PM
Contreras and Cotts didn't improve their control in 2005. KW just glared at the balls, and they became too frightened to leave the strikezone.

SouthSide_HitMen
12-30-2005, 06:43 PM
http://www.rassias.gr/STONEHEDGE.jpg

Stonehedge

Created by Kenny Williams one Wednesday thousands of years ago.

row18
12-30-2005, 07:33 PM
Kenny Williams wrote and added the 13Th & 14th amendment.
While many southerns were very upset they knew they're no match for Kenny, so they decided to take out their frustration on Abe.

Corlose 15
12-30-2005, 08:03 PM
Kenny Williams knows how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop. Its however many he damn well feels like.

MeanFish
12-30-2005, 09:37 PM
One time Billy Beane said that Kenny Williams wasn't a very good GM. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake that anyone has ever made.

MeanFish
12-30-2005, 09:44 PM
Kenny Williams cured world hunger by flipping a buffet table so hard that the food upon it landed next to every starving person on the planet.

Frankfan4life
12-30-2005, 10:30 PM
Kenny Williams does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.LOL :D:

hsnterprize
12-30-2005, 11:52 PM
http://img504.imageshack.us/img504/7817/200203122a3008ad.jpg

The Homeland Security Advisory scale is only used when Kenny Williams is out of the country. There is no need to use it when Kenny is in the country.There have been meetings televised on C-Span from Homeland Security officials that are considering changing the name of the highest warning level on that scale from "Severe" to "Kenny Williams", with a subtext of "Most severe indication Kenny Williams is about to make another blockbuster deal."

hsnterprize
12-30-2005, 11:56 PM
:tomatoaward I'd be careful about this icon...I'm hearing rumblings a certain someone wants this award renamed...

:KW "I'm thinking about it...lemme get back to you on that."

ndu3t4
12-31-2005, 12:33 AM
Kenny Williams hoisted the WS trophy so quickly, that it went back in time and killed Emilia Erhart.

Jeff Brantley said that the White Sox wouldn't make the playoffs, that Sox fans will "cry in their beer this year". Kenny Williams was there and yelled "NOBODY RYMES IN THE PRESSENCE OF KENNY WILLIAMS" and roundhouse kicked Brantley into submission and said "Nobody knocks the Sox". 5 months later, he realized the irony of this and laughed so hard that anyone within 100 miles went deaf.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Kenny Williams

God offered Ken Williams the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for the super ability to produce World Champions.

Ken Williams does not believe in Germany, nor Billy Beane.

Ken Williams invented a language which incorporates trades, signing free agents, and roundhouse kicks. So the next time he kicks your *** and signs you to a 5 year, 40 million dollar deal, he may just be saying that he likes your shirt.

CurseoftheGoat63
12-31-2005, 03:46 AM
Kenny Williams is the Wind Beneath Your Wings.

CaptainBallz
12-31-2005, 04:04 AM
I came home from work early one day, and walked in on Kenny Williams making love to my wife. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

I have beer in my nostrils right now...

StockdaleForVeep
12-31-2005, 04:45 AM
I still LMAO from this picture when someone a few years ago said this was ken williams at work on trades

http://www.collegeboredom.com/top8/hands-free-cell-phone.jpg

CredeGoldGlove
12-31-2005, 04:49 AM
Legend has it that the golden rule is "Do to others what you would want done to yourself", but a little known fact is that the real golden rule is "Dont mess with Kenny Williams or he'll roundhouse kick you in the face."

Wsoxmike59
12-31-2005, 11:04 AM
Kenny Williams wondered what to do. He wondered and he pondered. As he wondered and pondered, he wandered. He wandered across all the States of the Midwest!

Finally, he sat down on a hill to think. An idea came to him. He would make one big Churro - the biggest Churro the world had ever seen! Big enough to feed the entire ballpark for the whole season!

He would need a lot of supplies, but like his momma Mrs. Williams used to say, "Where there’s a will, there’s a way!"

RallyBowl
12-31-2005, 11:16 AM
but like his momma Mrs. Williams used to say, "Where there’s a will, there’s a way!"

I wouldn't talk about his momma if I were you. The last two people to do that were JFK and Jimmy Hoffa.

Fake Chet Lemon
01-01-2006, 01:37 AM
Kenny just created the year 2006.

TheDarkGundam
01-01-2006, 08:43 PM
I guess this is a little off-topic, but since this thread was inspired by the Chuck Norris thread,
I saw a commercial for the Total Gym the other day, and just started cracking up. Just because Chuck Norris was in it. :D:


Oh and BTW, the only reason Kenny Williams created 2006 is because he just roundhouse kicked the hell out of 2005.

SweetnesSox
01-01-2006, 09:25 PM
Kenny Williams doesn't negotiate because the word "negotiation" implies the possibility of failure. Kenny Williams gets players.

SweetnesSox
01-02-2006, 04:30 AM
When Kenny was a young lad, he put one of his baby teeth under his pillow. When he woke up, he looked under his pillow and saw that the tooth fairy had left him a dollar. Kenny left the dollar under his pillow, and the next morning, he looked under his pillow and saw Tadahito Iguchi.

It's not very well-know that Kenny Williams handled the Elian Gonzalez negotiations. It's also unknown that when Kenny sent Elian to Cuba, he received Jose Contreras, cash, and prospects.

batmanZoSo
01-02-2006, 04:43 AM
I still LMAO from this picture when someone a few years ago said this was ken williams at work on trades

http://www.collegeboredom.com/top8/hands-free-cell-phone.jpg

LMAO. Didn't I post that? :roflmao:

dcoroni
01-02-2006, 05:30 AM
Einstein - "There are only two things that are infinite; Kenny Williams' Greatness and the Universe ... and I'm not really sure about the Universe!"

hose
01-02-2006, 09:40 AM
Looks like the Flutie bought Kenny's instructional tape on drop/roundhouse kicks from the infomerical thats been airing recently.

Not really a bad move on Flutie's part with him retiring and all. Doug is not going to have 5- 6'6 300+ pound guys protecting him forever. So he may be drop kicking extra points now , but he could very well be roundhouse kicking people in the off season.

I'm not sure if Kenny will have Flutie giving his full endorsement like Fred McGriff, it's not like Kenny needs any help to sell the tape. I mean just look at the results, Flutie is nailing drop kicks for extras points after one viewing.

hose
01-02-2006, 10:01 AM
If Chan Ho Park would have bought the tape he would have taken Belcher down with one roundhouse kick. Not only was the flying scissor kick ineffective but it only enraged Belcher more.



http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/baseball/mlb/news/1999/06/05/angels_dodgers/lg_park_ap_01.jpg (http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/baseball/mlb/news/1999/06/05/angels_dodgers)

akingamongstmen
01-02-2006, 11:23 AM
I came home from work early one day, and walked in on Kenny Williams making love to my wife. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

:roflmao: x 100

This is my favorite thread of all time. :worship:

akingamongstmen
01-02-2006, 11:36 AM
Kenny Williams sunk the Titanic because they said it was "unsinkable." Don't ever tell Kenny Williams what he can and can't do.

Kenny Williams created WSI for us. Thank you, Kenny Williams!

Kenny Williams once sang "Thunderstruck" in the shower. The results were devastating.

SOXSINCE'70
01-02-2006, 11:43 AM
Kenny Williams once sang "Thunderstruck" in the shower. The results were devastating.

:KW
"You're damn right the results were devestating!!Who the hell are AC/DC??
I wrote the damn song!!It's mine,you hear me?!?! All Mine!!":D: :D:

TheOldRoman
01-05-2006, 05:05 PM
Kenny Williams never shows his hand.

You will only see his hand as it flips over your buffet table.

RallyBowl
01-05-2006, 08:30 PM
The White Sox released information today about a new season ticket package- The Kenny Williams Plan. You receive a ticket to every home game, and before first pitch representatives of the visiting team will be lined up for you in a single file line to accept one roundhouse kick to the face. And your parking is free. Kenny Williams doesn't pay to park.

CanBuehrleWait
01-05-2006, 09:08 PM
These jokes are great. This is kind of a nerdy one but I'll give it a shot:

All Physics books are wrong. Kenny's Roundhouse Kicks are indeed a form of Perpetual Motion and therefore an unlimited energy resource. No one has lived after witnessing one to document these findings.

VeeckAsInWreck
01-05-2006, 09:11 PM
"I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in Kenny"
-John Lennon

chisox
01-05-2006, 09:46 PM
Kenny Williams knows the answer to the question, "Do I need to cell?". The answer is a roundhouse kick to the face.

Kenny Williams has been known to "strap it up" and "strap it down", but he has never, EVER, "strapped it on".

my vote for the best post yet. hilarious.

we be jake
01-05-2006, 10:54 PM
Kenny,while traveling with Steinbrenner (the Real yankee g.m.)was in a tragic air crash. Upon facing their maker on his throne, God asked George why he should be admitted to the glorious realm. He replied, "I've built many championship teams, spending enormous amounts of money and gaining noteriety far and wide. I've brought glory and honor to my city and people in New York and especially in the Bronx think I'm a pretty good guy." God politely told G.S. his application would be considered. "And what about you Mr. Williams? Why should you enter the Kingdom?" " Well, Lord", Kenny replied, "I built the reigning world championship team and I did it on a budget with almost no one,outside of Chicago, paying attention or noticing. I have brought glory and honor to my city and a lot of folks around the southside of Chicago think you're sitting in my chair." :cool: we be jake

ChiSoxLifer
01-05-2006, 11:01 PM
When God said "Let there be light", Kenny Williams stared and said "You didn't ask me." It immediately became dark again.
After a trillion years, Kenny thought it amusing and smiled. From the glare of his teeth, an infinite number of stars were borne.

Outer space exists because its afraid to be on the same planet as Kenny Williams.

(sorry if I repeat a previous post)

RallyBowl
01-06-2006, 06:29 PM
Kenny Williams can bump threads about him by simply banging his fist on a table.

Kenny Williams has created an ending to "The Never Ending Story." When the last page is turned, his foot jumps out of the book and roundhouses the reader.

Kenny Williams wears alligator boots. The alligators are still alive, and feel grateful for the honor of protecting his feet.

Kenny Williams knows where Osama Bin Laden is. Kenny is working on a deal that would send Pablo Oszuna and Joe Borchard to Afgahnistan for bin Laden and cash.

The only thing that would make the Bears "D" better? You know it-
Kenny Williams.

TheDarkGundam
01-06-2006, 11:16 PM
* Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Kenny Williams. Not to be outdone, Kenny Williams invented the car accident.

* As a teen Kenny Williams impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 2005 World Champion Chicago White Sox. However, due to space time continuum issues, some aged faster than others, which explains why no one can tell.

* The movie "Fight Club" is loosely based on Kenny Williams' life in the 80's.

* Kenny Williams wrote tomorrow's Cubune headline, today!

* Kenny Williams has no problem remembering what day it is.
http://www.whitesoxinteractive.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=64770

I think it's official. This thread is funnier than the original Chuck Norris thread, therefore I must change the link in my sig.

Unregistered
01-06-2006, 11:57 PM
Kenny Williams won his entire wardrobe in an arm wrestling contest with a Kodiak bear.

Kenny Williams urinates strawberry champagne.

ws05champs
01-07-2006, 12:10 AM
In July Kenny Williams looked at the space-time continuum and learned that if he added Geoff Blum to the team, Blum would hit the winning home run in game 3 of the World Series. So not to arouse suspicion, just before the trading deadline he traded for Blum.

Kenny Williams is the only GM powerful enough to trade for Todd Richie as a practical joke and not get fired.

Clowns fear Kenny Williams.

To show his supreme tolerance, Kenny Williams allows mimes to exist.

Kenny Williams does not need warp drive, hyper drive, a stargate or any other silly sci-fi device to go to another galaxy. He simply delivers a roundhouse kick to the earth in the direction he wants to go and he is on his way.

SouthSide_HitMen
01-07-2006, 12:23 AM
Wonders of Kenny William's childhood:

http://www.luminous-landscape.com/images/Grand-Canyon-1--thumb.jpg

Kenny Williams leaves Rock Collection in Northern Arizona

http://images.43things.com/place/00/01/8c/101537lr.jpg

Kenny's sandbox creations have lasted thousands of years

http://www.great-wall-marathon.com/media/2004/GWM-SR-forside.jpg

Kenny William's playpen stands the test of time.

http://ce.eng.usf.edu/pharos/wonders/Gallery/hooverdam.gif

Kenny William's infant bathtub

http://www.french-at-a-touch.com/Statue_of_Liberty/statue_of_liberty_pictures.jpg

Kenny William's preschool art project

http://www.aboutschool.com/images/mtrush.jpg

Kenny William's first grade art project

http://www.romanceeverafter.com/Niagara_Falls.JPG

Kenny William's slip n slide

1951Campbell
01-07-2006, 01:07 AM
Wonders of Kenny William's childhood:

http://www.luminous-landscape.com/images/Grand-Canyon-1--thumb.jpg

Kenny Williams leaves Rock Collection in Northern Arizona

http://images.43things.com/place/00/01/8c/101537lr.jpg

Kenny's sandbox creations have lasted thousands of years

http://www.great-wall-marathon.com/media/2004/GWM-SR-forside.jpg

Kenny William's playpen stands the test of time.

http://ce.eng.usf.edu/pharos/wonders/Gallery/hooverdam.gif

Kenny William's infant bathtub

http://www.french-at-a-touch.com/Statue_of_Liberty/statue_of_liberty_pictures.jpg

Kenny William's preschool art project

http://www.aboutschool.com/images/mtrush.jpg

Kenny William's first grade art project

http://www.romanceeverafter.com/Niagara_Falls.JPG

Kenny William's slip n slide

Love it.

:bandance:

pauliemyhero14
01-07-2006, 02:33 AM
my joke is that jeff brantley didnt even think we would make the playoffs:angry:

but we showed another espn anaylist that they just dont know anything

about baseball:cool: .

Sox record when im in attendence: 13 - 4

sox post season record when im in attendence: 5 - 1

Thank you whitesox for the having the world series back in chicago

KW u da man!!!!

Jim Thome= 40 + homers, 100 + rbi's

2006 future world series champions!!!!!!:D: :) :cool: :bandance:

RallyBowl
01-07-2006, 01:42 PM
my joke is that jeff brantley didnt even think we would make the playoffs:angry:

but we showed another espn anaylist that they just dont know anything

about baseball:cool: .

Sox record when im in attendence: 13 - 4

sox post season record when im in attendence: 5 - 1

Thank you whitesox for the having the world series back in chicago

KW u da man!!!!

Jim Thome= 40 + homers, 100 + rbi's

2006 future world series champions!!!!!!:D: :) :cool: :bandance:

:?:

Kenny Williams understands this post.

A_ROW33
01-07-2006, 03:29 PM
Kenny Williams is the reason Steve Bartman is hiding.

Carl Everett is right, there is no evolutionary theory, only animals Kenny Williams allows to live, Marlins appear to be the next to go extinct.

SOXSINCE'70
01-07-2006, 05:39 PM
"I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in Kenny"
-John Lennon

"The Dream is NOT over"
-John Lennon,again:D: :D:

batmanZoSo
01-07-2006, 05:48 PM
I asked Bobby Dylan, I asked the Beatles...I asked Kenny Williams, but he just gave me a roundhouse kick to the face and signed me to a two-year extension.

SOXSINCE'70
01-07-2006, 06:05 PM
Kenny Williams does not trade for off season needs.
Needs trade for the right to even be considered by
Kenny Williams.Then he'll just kick the crap out of them
anyway.:D: :D: :D:

GregoryEtc
01-07-2006, 06:55 PM
Kenny Williams does not fly under the radar. Radar avoids detecting Kenny Williams for fear that the echo received would have the same effects as a roundhouse kick to the face.

SOXSINCE'70
01-08-2006, 09:44 AM
Kenny Williams would NEVER trade for Willie Taveras.
Willie Taveras would have to trade for the right to ever
be considered a Sox player.Then,Kenny would knock him to
the ground with a roundhouse right.:D:

Iwritecode
01-10-2006, 03:24 PM
Kenny Williams is the only person that can beat Ditka in a fight. Even if the hurricane's name is Ditka.

Tekijawa
01-10-2006, 03:48 PM
Kenny Williams can see through tinfoil hats!

slavko
01-10-2006, 08:47 PM
Kenny Williams can see through tinfoil hats!

Kenny Williams can see through Chuck Norris's hairpiece!

likeawarlord
01-10-2006, 09:00 PM
kenny williams once ate a child, but only because he was tired of throwing them into the sun.

Palehose13
01-10-2006, 09:06 PM
Kenny Williams has recently changed his middle name to "****ing".

gbergman
01-10-2006, 09:36 PM
When Paul Konerko hit that grand slam in game 2 it was not because of Paul, but because of Kenny staring the ball down till it fled the field in horror

hsnterprize
01-10-2006, 10:20 PM
...that Kenny Williams was supposed to play Darth Vader in the Star Wars movies?

But...when George Lucas discovered Kenny really could control minds and choke people with tele-kinetic powers, intimidate people with cold stares and a strong, fake British accent, and use his custom-made laser sword to cut his enemies in half like a hot knife through butter...

...Lucas decided to go with David Prowse and James Earl Jones to make the character less believeable.

:reinsy The Force is strong with you. A powerful Sith you will become. Henceforth, you will be known as Darth...Vader.

:KW Yes, my master!!!!!

BNLSox
01-10-2006, 11:56 PM
This thread is frickin FANTASTIC!

With a simple wink of the left eye Kenny Williams made the ball skip past Graf, Colon's injury flared up, Vlad forgot how to hit, and the Rocket's leg seared with pain. His left eye is his weaker one.

Kenny Williams taught Santa Claus how to get all the way around the world and give all the children presents, only Kenny could do it in 4 minutes. He spent the first three minutes bringing all the single mothers of the world a special gift.

ChiSoxLifer
01-11-2006, 12:21 PM
Kenny Williams can prove the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the perfect woman/man exists.

KW can turn the Theory of Relativity into a fact.

TheDarkGundam
01-11-2006, 03:52 PM
Kenny Williams has recently changed his middle name to "****ing". That's a good one!

When Kenny Williams plays the old "lemmings" computer game, he lets some of his lemmings die on purpose just so there will be one less Cub fan.

Kenny Williams coined the phrase "pardon my french"

the gooch
01-12-2006, 04:46 PM
kenny williams is badder than old king kong,
meaner than a junk yard dog.

both of which, considered clubhouse cancers, were acquired for a rule 5 draftee and a urine sample. they were later sent to new york for more pitching.

much to carl everett's confusion, kenny williams removed dinosaurs from the bible.

Palehose13
01-12-2006, 05:20 PM
much to carl everett's confusion, kenny williams removed dinosaurs from the bible.

:roflmao:

That's good **** right there.

Deuce
01-12-2006, 06:20 PM
In June of 1988, just seconds before midnight, Kenny Williams walked into the special session of the Illinois State Legislature, stopped time, and glared at the legislators until they agreed to fund the new stadium.

and

If E=mc2, then KW > E.

santo=dorf
01-12-2006, 11:43 PM
Kenny Williams cured cancer by making Chuck Norris cry.

HebrewHammer
01-13-2006, 01:00 AM
Kenny Williams defies all laws of physics, Einstein knew E=whatever Kenny decides.

BV2005
01-13-2006, 05:11 AM
Kenny Williams can eat more hotdogs than Kobayashi.

Kenny Williams can drink more beer than every Cubs fan combined.

I also heard that Kenny Williams invented the internet.

GregoryEtc
01-13-2006, 09:20 AM
Kenny Williams is installing all 40,615 green seats all by himself. He then traded some of the blue seats for Rob Mackowiac. Marte was a throw in.

Sox-o-matic
01-13-2006, 10:00 AM
Roughly 15,000 years ago Kenny Williams left his home in the Chicagoland area to teach groups of Mexican Tribes a new culture. As he walked south, the sheer weight of his enormous balls was enough to cause an earth crust displacement which modern scholars refer to as 'The Ice Age.' Upon returning, the ice melted and he was then able to invent baseball under the pseudonym 'Abner Doubleday.'

Sox-o-matic
01-13-2006, 10:14 AM
Kenny Williams created earth, wind, fire, and water. It took millions of years for God to recognize Kenny's achievements, but eventually in the 1970's he created Earth, Wind & Fire as a tribute. God still insisted for decades later that He alone was responsible for creating air, which forced the immortal Kenny Williams to flex his muscles by trading for Scott Podsednik. When God laughed at him and said that the '05 Sox didn't have enough offense to win it all, Kenny teleported to Heaven and flipped over a table, causing the largest tsunami in recorded history.

WhiteSoxFan84
01-13-2006, 11:18 AM
Christopher Columbus didn't discover America, Kenny Williams discovered Christopher Columbus and led him to America.

santo=dorf
01-13-2006, 11:36 AM
Marte was a throw in.
.....and KW literally threw him in from the Dominican Republic to Pittsurgh. Oh and he did it one handed, over the shoulder and with his eyes closed too.

churlish
01-13-2006, 07:03 PM
Kenny Williams can unscramble an egg.

Back in '84, if Kenny Williams had been the cop behind the counter at the police station, the Terminator would have never come back.

Domeshot17
01-13-2006, 07:32 PM
On the First day Kenny Williams created lights because only minor league teams play a schedule full of day games

If you can see Kenny Williams, Kenny Williams can see you. If you cant see Kenny Williams, you are only seconds away from trading him your best player.

Every time Kenny Williams makes a trade an Angel gets its wings

Kenny Williams has never blinked into his entire life. EVER

At Kenny Williams bachelor party, he saw the cake. Upon hearing there was a stripper in it, he traded the cake and stripper to the cubs fo Jon Garland. The cake turned out to be spoiled and stripper died

There are only 3 sides of life. The light side, the dark side, and Kenny Williams.

God once offered Kenny Williams the ability to fly, he turned it down and signed Tadahito Iguchi

Kenny Williams was invited to dinner with God one night. After speaking with him for only moments, a deal was completed. Judus was later found hung, and in return Kenny Williams got the greatest pitching rotation ever.

Theanticub
01-14-2006, 04:43 AM
kenny williams is badder than old king kong,
meaner than a junk yard dog.

both of which, considered clubhouse cancers, were acquired for a rule 5 draftee and a urine sample. they were later sent to new york for more pitching.

much to carl everett's confusion, kenny williams removed dinosaurs from the bible.

'You don't tug on Superman's (kenny's) cape
You don't spit into the wind
You don't pull the mask off the old Lone Ranger
And you don't mess around with Ken'Ohhh ohhh ohhh ohhh

love the croce references.

TomBradley72
01-14-2006, 11:04 AM
"I wish they'd shut the gates, and let us play ball with just Kenny watching...no press and no fans."
-Dick Allen

gobears1987
01-14-2006, 11:24 AM
If God had let Kenny Williams make the world, there would've been 1 day of work and 6 days of rest.

SOX ADDICT '73
01-14-2006, 11:39 AM
If God had let Kenny Williams make the world, there would've been 1 day of work and 6 days of rest.
And that day would be...you got it, White Sox Wednesday!

BV2005
01-17-2006, 02:41 AM
Kenny Williams got Bud Selig to instate Joe Jackson into the hall of fame.

tstrike2000
01-17-2006, 03:19 PM
The devil wanted Kenny Williams to sell his soul to him for Kenny's baseball prowess and GM skills. Williams roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and said, "Only Kenny Williams confronts Kenny Williams." With the devil upset, he wanted to get even and decided come back as Scott Boras.

mark2olson
01-18-2006, 10:17 AM
Kenny Williams can make two wrongs into a right.

Kenny Williams can make a screendoor useful on a submarine.

Kenny Willams plays with fire. He does not get burned.

Kenny Williams can get to his destination on the road to nowhere.

Kenny Williams can make it exciting to watch paint dry.

Kenny Williams kicks playboy playmates out of bed for eating crackers.

BNLSox
01-18-2006, 01:14 PM
Kenny Williams doesn't just look like Phil Ivey and Tiger Woods, he is in fact all three people thus making him the best golfer, poker player, and GM in the universe.

Chisox003
01-18-2006, 01:17 PM
Kenny Williams has not only conquered the cliche of being "Up ****'s creek without a paddle," he swam it....and liked it.

Wsoxmike59
01-21-2006, 01:07 AM
Actual Historical Event from MLB Bloopers Tape: the names have NOT been changed to protect the innocent.

Kenny Williams once scored tagging up from 2B on a foul pop to 1B and scored after round house kicking Yankee's LF Mel Hall, 3B Mike Blowers and C Matt Nokes, and flattened his own 3B coach Gene Tenace for getting in his way.

After scoring Kenny Williams said:

NOBODY GETS IN KENNY WILLIAMS WAY!!

RallyBowl
01-21-2006, 12:09 PM
Kenny Williams actually made Ozzie a citizen months ago, when he roundhouse kicked him back to 1964 so he could be born in the United States.

ndu3t4
01-22-2006, 12:20 AM
Kenny Williams got a 37 (that's right, 37). He got 36 for writing "Kenny Williams" for every answer and an extra point for threatening roundhouse kicks for the ACT graders if they didn't add an extra point.

BRDSR
01-25-2006, 04:10 PM
When Kenny Williams dies and goes to heaven, he will be greeted by a chorus of angels playing harps. They will be playing Thunderstruck.

When all other GMs die and go to hell, they will be greeted by a legion of demons playing accordians. They will also be playing Thunderstruck.

The preceding is, of course, only hypothetical; Kenny Williams will never die.

Tekijawa
01-25-2006, 04:14 PM
So who's going to print this off and present it to Kenny this weekend?

SweetnesSox
01-25-2006, 04:44 PM
So who's going to print this off and present it to Kenny this weekend?

are you crazy? do you want to get roundhouse kicked or something?! I would not even look Mr. Williams' in the eyes.

Mickster
01-25-2006, 05:53 PM
HERE (http://youtube.com/w/Young-Chuck-Norris---SNL?v=NBSpNPzVsMM) is SNL's Lazy Sunday Chuck Norris....'er...KENNY WILLIAMS movie.

:)

TheDarkGundam
01-28-2006, 10:27 PM
Kenny Williams knows why nobody goes to the bathroom on 24. The answer is simple: that would make bad TV.

Soxfest was not oversold this year. The sheer power of having both Kenny Williams AND the World Series trophy in the same building caused the Hyatt to physically shrink in terror, making it appear that there were more people there than there actually was.

churlish
01-30-2006, 01:40 AM
Kenny Williams has his own laxative. It's just a picture of Kenny Williams making a trade with an opposing GM. It's enough to scare the **** out of anyone.

Konerkoholic
02-03-2006, 05:21 PM
Kenny Williams doesn't climb trees to get fruit. He forces them down into the ground (and through the bedrock) and kicks the fruit off.

RallyBowl
02-03-2006, 08:52 PM
Kenny Williams has his own laxative. It's just a picture of Kenny Williams making a trade with an opposing GM. It's enough to scare the **** out of anyone.


Heh, heh. Pretty good one man.:D:

Chisox003
02-03-2006, 09:44 PM
When Kenny Williams dies and goes to heaven, he will be greeted by a chorus of angels playing harps. They will be playing Thunderstruck.
The sheer image of this one made me :roflmao:

:thumbsup:

SOecks
02-03-2006, 10:37 PM
I'm wondering if anyone at SoxFest had the chance to bring up this thread to KW and what he thought of it. Any word?

IggyD
02-03-2006, 11:53 PM
If you ask Kenny Williams what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he shows you the trophy.

The chief export of Kenny Willams are WINNERS!

EMel9281
02-04-2006, 09:37 AM
If the tandem of Kenny Williams and Mike Ditka ever joined forces, their power would be so strong that they could destroy the Earth. One day, Kenny would turn to Mike and say, "Mike, let's destroy the Earth!" Mike would turn to Kenny and reply, "Kenny, we can't. That's where I keep all of my stuff."

SweetnesSox
02-04-2006, 12:55 PM
The chief export of Kenny Willams are WINNERS!

you mean import, right? export would imply that he trades away winners...

SOecks
02-04-2006, 01:04 PM
you mean import, right? export would imply that he trades away winners...

It could also imply that he gives the fans a winner. aren't we picking at straws here?

TheDarkGundam
02-07-2006, 11:31 PM
http://www.blackathlete.net/Images/blackbox/kwilliams1.jpg
This is a picture of Kenny Williams on the phone with Joe Sheehan of BP.
Minutes after the call, Sheehan predicted the Sox would win the division again.
Coincidence?
Not a chance.

mertzies brunson
02-10-2006, 08:53 PM
"Kidney Stone to the Face!" Thats what Kenny Williams says after he shoots a stone through your brain.

Fake Chet Lemon
02-12-2006, 01:47 PM
Kenny for a fleeting moment has a second thought about trading Chris Young. He closed his eyes, concentrated, and thousands of miles away bones inside of Chris Young began to shatter. And mysteriously at the same time Javiar Vasquez found his fastball having an additional 1.5 mph on it. Wow!

infohawk
02-28-2006, 10:32 AM
These are hilarious guys!