View Full Version : The Golden Jockstrap Awards

11-28-2001, 12:40 AM
Ifound this funny. Its in this month's Maxim magazine. Readers, beat writers and a few pissed off fans voted on the most ove paid athletes in all sports.

Baseball:Wilson Alverez
Contract: Five year, $35 million through 2002; $9 million in 2001.
Wilson Alverez is the lucky loser who hit the lotto jackpot and keeps coming to work for the free coffee. One day he's the White Sox's lefty phenom who threw a no-htter in just his second major league start. The next (December 3, 1997), the expansion Tampa bay Devil Rays made him so rich he'd never have to work again, so he hasn't. In the four years since signing on the dotted line, he's won just 15 games (1.8 million per) and ballooned up to an obese 245 pounds. He hasn't throw a single pitch in 2 seasons, and Tampa Bay can only hope he sits out next season as well, so the $35 million insurance policy they took out on him will finally kick in. Keep eatin' those pork rinds Wilson. Cha-ching!

Tennis:Anna Kournikova
On-court earnings: $984,930 in 2000; $11-$15 million annually in endorsements.
Face facts: Anna Kournikova is one of the sexiest women ever created. We'd gladly give her every penny in Fort Knox just for the time of day. But her gme is uglier than Bobby Riggs after an all-night bender. The blonde bombshell has yet to win a single WTA event and barley cracked the top 10 in the rankings. The only reason she's not eating PB&J with the other cellar dwellers on the women's tour is that nobody can read this entire paragaph withot thinking about her naked at least 47 times. She's the J- LO of tennis-sinfully, sexy, marginally talented, and an obese cash cow. Kournikova, or "Kourni" as she likes us to call her, supplements her modest on-court winnigs (a nice euphemism for appearance fees) with millions of dollars from Adidas, Charles Schwab, Lycos, Yonex tennis rackets, Berlei sports bras, and about a thousands others. She even unveiled a workout video this year (which, if there's any justice in the world, wil win an Oscar) while sideline from the tour with a foot injury. But despite her weak backhand, soft serve,, and countless unforced errors, when you comeright down to it,we could care less how whe makes her fortune as long as we can watch her do it. No wonder we hate ourselves.

Basketball:Matt Geiger
Contract: 6 years, $52 million through 2004;$8 million in 2002
Some guys are soft, Other guys are cowards(Randy Moss). And if those two guys were to make furious man love, you'd get 76ers center Matt Geiger. 1998:Geiger infuriates his Charlotte Hornets head coach and teammates by refusig to suit up for a playoff game, ciing a hamstring injury that can't be detected by team doctors or an MRI exam. 1999: Geiger infuriates his 76ers head coach and teammates by again refusing to play, despite team physician Jack McPhilemy's announcement that "from a medical point of view Matt Geiger is ready to play." 2001: Wile his batterd and broken 76ers teammates battle the Milwaukee Bucks in playoffs, Geiger-Hmmm, where could this be going?-refuse to suit up because of a questionable (according to haed coach Larry Brown) quadricep injury. And for all this, Geiger-whose career averages are 9.2 points, 5.8 rebounds, and .63 blocks per game-is guaranteed &52 million. He's busy building a 100-acre, 26,000-square-foot Florida mansion with a 4,000 square-foot guest house, 270,000-gallon pool, and a huge iron gate with initials M.G. Should be S.O.B.

Hockey:Eric Lindros
Contact: 4 years, $38 million through 2005; $4 million in 2002
When a Hall of Famer sits out an etire season because his daddy won't let hm sign an $8.5 million guaranteed contract fromk the only team he's ever played for, something's rotten in Puckville. Meet Eric Lindros, NHL problem child. About 30 seconds after the Quebec Nordiques made him the first pick in the 1992 draft, his dad/agent forced a trade. "Eric will not play in Quebec City; it's as simple as that," Da-da said. So the Philadelphia Flyers signed him to one of the biggest contracts in NHL history, and Papa still wasn't happy. Last year, the six time All-star submitted a list of exactly one team he'd agree to be traded to before sitting out the entire season in protest. "I don't care if I don't talk to Eric the rest of my life life," said Lindros' boyhood hero and Flyers GM, Bobby Clarke. "All he did was cause aggravation for our team." Add to that a noggin that's more delicate than Britney Spears on prom night (Lindros sustained four four concussions in five months and admits that one hit could end his career) and the New York Rangers got one very bad investment.

Golf:Greg Norman
On-course Earnings:$580,510 in 2000; $14 million annually through endorsements andglf-related business income.
Imagine if Tiger Woods took tens of millions of dollars in endorsement money from Nike and didn't win *****. He wouldn't be a tiger--he'd be a shark, as in Greg Norman. But this shark is no jaws; think of him as Gums. Norman's choked more times than Houston at USO rally. Everyone remembers the infamous 1996 Masters, when he blew a six-stroke lead in the final round, the worst collapse in major championship history, but that was only his ost opprobrious failure. What's more shocking is that this loser has made over $12.5 million during his career and is Great White Sharks Enterprise generates $200 million annually. (Is it the Aussie accent? The leathery Paul Hogan-like skin?) There are even sports fans who refer to Norman in the same breath as Bill Buckner and Ralph Branca, but that's not fair; those guys only choked once. The Shark has aquandered leads in the final round of a major six times in seven tries. Thats's not Ralph Branca, that's Ralph Kramden.

Football:Kordell Stewart
Contract: Five years, 27 million through 2003; $4.4 million in 2001
Remember the time NBC's cameras caught Johnny Unitas crying on the sidelines after getting yelled at by his coach?
O course not. Real football players don't cry under pressure like little girls on the first day of kindergarten, Um, right? On December 13, 1998, after throwing three interceptions in a 16-3 loss to the Tamba Bay Buccaneers, $27 million man Kordell Stewart threw a sideline temper tantrum that morphed into a humliating tear-soaked breakdown on national television. Incredibly, Pittsburgh Steelers brass rewarded Stewart the quarterback/runningback/reciever once dubbed "Slash," with an $8.1 million signing bonus and a huge contract extension before the '99 season. And Slash-jack of all trades, master on none-responded with the worst completion percentage in the AFC, throwing just 6 TDs and 10 INTs before being benched for the season. Steelers fans have flooded local tal radio with rants of "To hell with Kordell" and "Slash should burn." It's now gotten to where Stewart has trouble leaving his plush town house. (But don't feel bad for him-it's a pretty nice place.)

If anybody has any more nominees to submit, go right ahead.

Now that i look at this, I think I may have put this in the wrong forum. West, if you think it belongs in the PL, than move it. :smile: