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View Full Version : The Master Plan: Clone Frank Thomas


RKMeibalane
08-08-2004, 12:51 PM
In light of the disaster this season has become, we need to find some way of preventing this from every happening again. The most logical solution was suggested by Jjav829 in an earlier post: clone Frank Thomas. Clone him several times if necessary, and teach each clone to play a different position.

Imagine an entire roster filled with Frank Thomas clones, each one armed with his superior strength and batting eye. Each one capable of hitting for both power and average. Each one striking fear into the hearts of opposing pitchers. Can you picture it, Sox fans? I can.

:hurt :hurt :hurt :hurt :hurt :hurt :hurt

illinibk
08-08-2004, 12:52 PM
In light of the disaster this season has become, we need to find some way of preventing this from every happening again. The most logical solution was suggested by Jjav829 in an earlier post: clone Frank Thomas. Clone him several times if necessary, and teach each clone to play a different position.

Imagine an entire roster filled with Frank Thomas clones, each one armed with his superior strength and batting eye. Each one capable of hitting for both power and average. Each one striking fear into the hearts of opposing pitchers. Can you picture it, Sox fans? I can.

:hurt :hurt :hurt :hurt :hurt :hurt :hurt

Is it possible to teach just one or two of these clones how to bunt, or steal bases?

RKMeibalane
08-08-2004, 12:54 PM
Is it possible to teach just one or two of these clones how to bunt, or steal bases? Absolutely. Genetic engineering will allow us to give the clones superior speed, intelligence, etc. We can design a Frank Thomas for virtually any baseball situation.

Imagine...

"Lead-off man Frank"

"Closer Frank"

"Lefty-specialist Frank"

"Pinch-hitter Frank"

illinibk
08-08-2004, 01:05 PM
Absolutely. Genetic engineering will allow us to give the clones superior speed, intelligence, etc. We can design a Frank Thomas for virtually any baseball situation.

Imagine...

"Lead-off man Frank"

"Closer Frank"

"Lefty-specialist Frank"

"Pinch-hitter Frank"
But are the advances in genetic engineering good enough yet to produce:

"Switch hitting Frank"

"Ambidexterous submarine pitcher Frank"

"Shingo-Frank"

I must say, I would be very excited to see Shingo-Frank.

jabrch
08-08-2004, 01:06 PM
I'm having visions of a 6'6, 280lb SS/CF

RKMeibalane
08-08-2004, 01:07 PM
But are the advances in genetic engineering good enough yet to produce:

"Switch hitting Frank"

"Ambidexterous submarine pitcher Frank"

"Shingo-Frank"

I must say, I would be very excited to see Shingo-Frank.
These clones will also be made availible. We're also thinking about "General Manager Frank" and "Chairman Frank," in order to replace the two dolts currently occupying those positions.

hose
08-08-2004, 02:04 PM
In light of the disaster this season has become, we need to find some way of preventing this from every happening again. The most logical solution was suggested by Jjav829 in an earlier post: clone Frank Thomas. Clone him several times if necessary, and teach each clone to play a different position.

Imagine an entire roster filled with Frank Thomas clones, each one armed with his superior strength and batting eye. Each one capable of hitting for both power and average. Each one striking fear into the hearts of opposing pitchers. Can you picture it, Sox fans? I can.

:hurt :hurt :hurt :hurt :hurt :hurt :hurt




Great idea but I don't think Reinsy would pay for all 25 Big Hurts.
Might have to scale back to 4 Big Hurts, one Burlymon and 20 Willie Harris.

4 Big Hurts is all you need to win it anyway.

RKMeibalane
08-08-2004, 02:13 PM
Great idea but I don't think Reinsy would pay for all 25 Big Hurts.
Might have to scale back to 4 Big Hurts, one Burlymon and 20 Willie Harris.

4 Big Hurts is all you need to win it anyway.
:reinsy

"If you come to the park, we will pay for Frank Thomas clones."

PaleHoseGeorge
08-08-2004, 02:23 PM
Great idea but I don't think Reinsy would pay for all 25 Big Hurts.
Might have to scale back to 4 Big Hurts, one Burlymon and 20 Willie Harris.

4 Big Hurts is all you need to win it anyway.Yeah, you're probably right. So our rotation is Burly plus 4 Willie Harrises. That's pretty bad. You sure we couldn't at least get JR to foot the bill for 3 pre-free agent Jon Garlands?


Here's your everyday lineup:
:weewillie :hurt :hurt :hurt :hurt :weewillie :weewillie :weewillie :weewillie

That's not exactly '27 Yankees material, but it's good enough to get us a legitimate shot at a world championship.... assuming Reinsdorf gets the 3 Jon Garlands, of course.
:)

illinibk
08-08-2004, 02:29 PM
These clones will also be made availible. We're also thinking about "General Manager Frank" and "Chairman Frank," in order to replace the two dolts currently occupying those positions.
Well, we will also need an "Evil Frank" to be the one to start fights, and to kill "Dimished Skills Frank" and "Whining about my contract Frank"

OEO Magglio
08-08-2004, 02:29 PM
We need atleast one Shingo.

illinibk
08-08-2004, 02:30 PM
We need atleast one Shingo.
I thought that was covered with "Shingo Frank"

TimoPerez
08-08-2004, 02:33 PM
If there are 25 Frank Thomas', I know who my Pick to Click is gonna be!

HomeFish
08-08-2004, 02:34 PM
I believe the plural of Willie Harris is actually "Willies Harris".

PaleHoseGeorge
08-08-2004, 02:35 PM
Yeah, you're probably right. So our rotation is Burly plus 4 Willie Harrises. That's pretty bad. You sure we couldn't at least get JR to foot the bill for 3 pre-free agent Jon Garlands?


Here's your everyday lineup:
:weewillie :hurt :hurt :hurt :hurt :weewillie :weewillie :weewillie :weewillie

That's not exactly '27 Yankees material, but it's good enough to get us a legitimate shot at a world championship.... assuming Reinsdorf gets the 3 Jon Garlands, of course.
You know, I'm looking at this lineup as an opposing manager would see it.

The obvious strategy is to pitch around the first 3 Franks, hoping one of them gets himself out swinging at a lousy pitch. At worst, the fourth Frank comes up with the bases loaded. That's okay... you pitch him inside and hope he bails his ass and pops out. If not, you've only walked in one run and can go after that string of 5 Willie Harrises that follow.

The four Franks only come to the plate at most every other inning. With a little luck you could hold this Sox team to about 5 runs. However if the Willies contribute anything at all, you're in a world of hurt.
:bandance:

OEO Magglio
08-08-2004, 02:36 PM
I thought that was covered with "Shingo Frank"Yeah, I forgot about that, ok that'll work.

:reinsy
"No Shingo, No Shingo-Frank, I'm not paying for a gong."

OEO Magglio
08-08-2004, 02:37 PM
you're in a world of hurt.
Pun intended.:supernana:

RKMeibalane
08-08-2004, 02:41 PM
The only problem with this entire plan is that Bud Selig is going to want us to make the cloning technology availible to every Major League team. That means the Cubs are going to be to clone Shammy.

:shammy :shammy :shammy :shammy :shammy :shammy :shammy :shammy :shammy

"Beisbol has been berry, berry, good to us."

OEO Magglio
08-08-2004, 02:44 PM
The only problem with this entire plan is that Bud Selig is going to want us to make the cloning technology availible to every Major League team. That means the Cubs are going to be to clone Shammy.

:shammy :shammy :shammy :shammy :shammy :shammy :shammy :shammy :shammy

"Beisbol has been berry, berry, good to us."Oh lord help us.:o:

RKMeibalane
08-08-2004, 02:54 PM
The other probem we're facing is that Reinsdorf will probably use this opportunity to ensure that he never has to sell the team. When the original Reinsdorf dies, one of his clones can take over as though nothing happened.

:reinsy :reinsy :reinsy :reinsy :reinsy :reinsy :reinsy :reinsy :reinsy

"Muhahahahahahaha!"

illinibk
08-08-2004, 02:55 PM
The only problem with this entire plan is that Bud Selig is going to want us to make the cloning technology availible to every Major League team. That means the Cubs are going to be to clone Shammy.

:shammy :shammy :shammy :shammy :shammy :shammy :shammy :shammy :shammy

"Beisbol has been berry, berry, good to us."
Well with that, he would be guaranteed to pas Reggie's strike out record in no time.

StockdaleForVeep
08-08-2004, 10:47 PM
http://i.tsn.com/i/o/vault/baseball/williams.jpg
"Find me a voodoo priestess and dig up Rick James' body, I'll bring ya a world series, just tell me, is your Chicago media fair to excellent ball players like me?

StockdaleForVeep
08-08-2004, 10:52 PM
The other probem we're facing is that Reinsdorf will probably use this opportunity to ensure that he never has to sell the team. When the original Reinsdorf dies, one of his clones can take over as though nothing happened.

:reinsy :reinsy :reinsy :reinsy :reinsy :reinsy :reinsy :reinsy :reinsy

"Muhahahahahahaha!"
This should be made most terrifying post\thought in the history of mankind......::shudder::...RK yer payin for my psychiatrist to get that JR image out of my frontal lobe

Reinsdorf-Sorry frank, we're lettin ya go
Frank-WHAT?! WHY THE HELL JER!
Reinsdorf-well...see we cloned you, and he's willing to take a paycut, Way we engineering him, he plays for peanut shells, Its priceless!!!!
Frank II-::smiles::

MRKARNO
08-08-2004, 10:59 PM
:hitless:hitless:hitless:hitless:hitless

"What about us?"

HomeFish
08-08-2004, 11:01 PM
The other probem we're facing is that Reinsdorf will probably use this opportunity to ensure that he never has to sell the team. When the original Reinsdorf dies, one of his clones can take over as though nothing happened.

:reinsy :reinsy :reinsy :reinsy :reinsy :reinsy :reinsy :reinsy :reinsy

"Muhahahahahahaha!"

Sell Jerries, Sell!

StockdaleForVeep
08-08-2004, 11:11 PM
http://www.jatkoaika.com/albumit/chicago/Wirtz_William_Chicago.jpg "Whaddya crazy? You know how much money it would cost to clone? Just use inferior players and raise prices, who needs to win?

OurBitchinMinny
08-09-2004, 12:04 AM
Can we somehow clone '93-'97 frank? Because if we cant, Id rather clone pre injury maggs.

illinibk
08-09-2004, 12:10 AM
Can we somehow clone '93-'97 frank? Because if we cant, Id rather clone pre injury maggs.
While we are at it, why don't we clone a bunch of really smart people, so they can build us a time machine, so we can go back in time to 1985, clone Vince Coleman and Wille McGee, and then bring the super fast clones up here to fill the top two spots in the order before the seven Frank Thomas clones come to bat.

faneidde
08-09-2004, 10:59 AM
I am sitting at work right now in tears because I am laughing so hard.

:threadrules:

Railsplitter
08-09-2004, 11:25 AM
A couple minor snags in your plan.

1. Nine women would have to aagree to give birth to said clones.

2. None will be ready for the bigs for about 20+ years.

zach23
08-09-2004, 11:53 AM
While we are at it, why don't we clone a bunch of really smart people, so they can build us a time machine, so we can go back in time to 1985, clone Vince Coleman and Wille McGee, and then bring the super fast clones up here to fill the top two spots in the order before the seven Frank Thomas clones come to bat.

If we had a time machine we could just go back armed with the knowledge of what is going to happen in the stock market and the results of sporting events. We could quickly make billions of dollars in stocks and betting on sports. Then offer it to Bill Veeck to spend on players so long as he lets us be the GM. Then with the knowledge of which players will be busts and which will be sleepers that turn into stars, and all that cash, we could make sure that the Sox win several World Series titles from the 80's up to the present time.

eriqjaffe
08-09-2004, 12:31 PM
2. None will be ready for the bigs for about 20+ years. Simple!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v71/fizzjob/miscellaneous/harold.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v71/fizzjob/miscellaneous/harold.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v71/fizzjob/miscellaneous/harold.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v71/fizzjob/miscellaneous/harold.jpg http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v71/fizzjob/miscellaneous/pudge.gif http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v71/fizzjob/miscellaneous/pudge.gif http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v71/fizzjob/miscellaneous/pudge.gif http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v71/fizzjob/miscellaneous/pudge.gif http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v71/fizzjob/miscellaneous/harold.jpg

Wanne
08-09-2004, 03:17 PM
http://www.broadwaytovegas.com/garycolemantvguide.jpg

I think somebody already did...they just didn't add enough water or something!

StockdaleForVeep
08-09-2004, 07:32 PM
If we had a time machine we could just go back armed with the knowledge of what is going to happen in the stock market and the results of sporting events. We could quickly make billions of dollars in stocks and betting on sports. Then offer it to Bill Veeck to spend on players so long as he lets us be the GM. Then with the knowledge of which players will be busts and which will be sleepers that turn into stars, and all that cash, we could make sure that the Sox win several World Series titles from the 80's up to the present time.
Unfortunately logic destroys the concept of time travel

Should you generate the speed and power involved to go faster than light and leap back in time, 2 problems arise

1. you claim make billions off the market, well you making billions will be taking money away from people who naturally got that money, hence drastically changing the future.

2. If you build a time machine to go back and play the stocks and supe up the sox team, then you will be self defeating, if you create the sox as the most dominant franchise ever, then you will never have a desire to create said time machine, go back and fix the team.

3. You could change events but you yourself would return to this present time and the events you changed will simply be reflected in an alternate universe separate from our own....

anyone who wants to argue this, procede.

illinibk
08-09-2004, 08:01 PM
2. If you build a time machine to go back and play the stocks and supe up the sox team, then you will be self defeating, if you create the sox as the most dominant franchise ever, then you will never have a desire to create said time machine, go back and fix the team.

Is that neccessarly true? Lets say we create a time machine so we can see an event in history, say, the roaring 20's or something like that. But along the way, you decide to play the stocks, and turn the Sox into the most dominating franchise of all time. Now this thought never crossed our minds as we were creating the time machine, only once we were already back in time. While we have changed the course of history, we did not alter the history we actually travelled back in time to witness. Thus, the event we had planned to witness will still be in our history books in the parallel universe we return to, just in this universe the White Sox are actually a very successful franchise.

But of course all of this assumes that anyway we change the future, it doesn't change the very being of our existence (such as parents or grandparents meeting, or other world-altering events)

HomerCoach
08-10-2004, 09:11 AM
http://www.broadwaytovegas.com/garycolemantvguide.jpg

I think somebody already did...they just didn't add enough water or something!

:rolling:Beautiful!!!:worship:

hose
08-10-2004, 09:59 AM
During last nights game Hawk said he would take 25 Mark Buehrles on his team.


:hawk

"give me 25 Mark Buehrles daggumit and will win this thing"

zach23
08-10-2004, 10:32 AM
Unfortunately logic destroys the concept of time travel

Should you generate the speed and power involved to go faster than light and leap back in time, 2 problems arise

1. you claim make billions off the market, well you making billions will be taking money away from people who naturally got that money, hence drastically changing the future.

2. If you build a time machine to go back and play the stocks and supe up the sox team, then you will be self defeating, if you create the sox as the most dominant franchise ever, then you will never have a desire to create said time machine, go back and fix the team.

3. You could change events but you yourself would return to this present time and the events you changed will simply be reflected in an alternate universe separate from our own....

anyone who wants to argue this, procede.

Ok, so I go back in time to 1977 and find myself at 10 years old. I think I know enough about me to prove to me that I am me at 37. I give the 10 year old me a plan to make a ton of cash and a breakdown of all the great players that will be coming up in the 80's. Then I introduce the 10 year old me to Veeck and return to the present day where I am now a billionaire and the Sox are a dynasty.
:gulp:

If this still isn't going to work, then let's just go back in time, buy the land where the urinal sits, and leave instructions that it must remain an empty lot forever.

eshunn2001
08-10-2004, 11:45 AM
Unfortunately logic destroys the concept of time travel

Should you generate the speed and power involved to go faster than light and leap back in time, 2 problems arise

1. you claim make billions off the market, well you making billions will be taking money away from people who naturally got that money, hence drastically changing the future.

2. If you build a time machine to go back and play the stocks and supe up the sox team, then you will be self defeating, if you create the sox as the most dominant franchise ever, then you will never have a desire to create said time machine, go back and fix the team.

3. You could change events but you yourself would return to this present time and the events you changed will simply be reflected in an alternate universe separate from our own....

anyone who wants to argue this, procede.

Great, I choose the alternate universe where the White Sox are a dynasty, the Cubs are a joke, Keira Knightley is my wife and Carmen Electra is my mistress. Word to the Alternate universe
:supernana: