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WSI News - Totally Biased Game Recaps

Is This Offense Dead, or Just Resting?

June 16 at Pittsburgh Pirates

Sox Project Update:
Fire someone
Fire anyone at all.

Short Take:  Jose Quintana pitches well, but lack of offense lets Pirates beat the Sox 3-0. Is there an echo in here?

Sox fans, ready the paper bags for your heads. Yep, we're rapidly heading deep into embarrassment territory. After today's 3 -0 loss to the Pirates, and a 5-game losing streak, the Sox sit in the basement of the AL Central with a 28-35 record, 8.5 games out.

The Sox could not hit, or plate any runs, or use their heads on the basepaths against the Pirates. Jose Quintana pitched a good game, but could not keep just few runs from scoring. With this Sox offense as ice cold as it is, there was no avoiding a Sox loss.

All I could do to keep my sanity while watching this game was to rewrite the Monty Python Dead Parrot sketch into a 2015 White Sox sketch. I'll give you the Reader's Digest version of this game, and then you can skip the rest of this TBGR if you don't care for Monty Python.

Quintana pitched 6 innings and gave up 9 hits and 3 runs, two of them solo home runs to Sean Rodriguez and Francisco Cervelli. He struck out 6 and walked 1. This is a very good outing for most MLB teams, but for this completely abysmal White Sox offense, it's not good enough.

And when Sox hitters did get on base in what turned out to be really their only chance to score, a baserunning mistake that seems characteristic of this team ruined it. In the top of the 1st, Adam Eaton walked and then stole 2nd. Alexei Rameriz hit a chopper in front of the plate that was fielded by the catcher Cervelli. Eaton was barreling for 3rd and safely slid around the tag, but then continued to slide right past the bag and was tagged out, prompting Hawk to proclaim that "we just can't do anything right." Jose Abreu followed up with a single, but he and Rameriz were left stranded when Melky Cabrera flew out and Avisail Garcia grounded out.

The Sox scattered 4 measly hits, and just never threatened any of the three Pirates pitchers. And so, this road trip came to a pathetic end.

I'm going to try to live vicariously through Blackhawks fans this week, as Chicago celebrates the Stanley Cup. Maybe we Sox fans have another championship celebration in our future; but somehow, I don't think 2015 is the year.

The Sox and the Pirates both head to the Cell tomorrow for two games to finish this 4-game series. Game time tomorrow is 7:10 pm. Jeff Samardzija is scheduled to face Gerrit Cole.

While watching White Sox hitter after hitter grab some bench, it occurred to me that I can't even call the White Sox offense anemic. It's more like dead. And somehow that reminded me of the classic Monty Python dead parrot sketch. The next thing I knew, John Cleese was in my head bickering with Michael Palin over whether the White Sox offense was dead, or just resting.

And thus the White Sox version of this sketch was born. If you enjoy Monty Python, read on. And if you'd like to see the original sketch, it's on Youtube here: Monty Python – Dead Parrot.

Sox fans: "I wish to complain about this White Sox lineup, specifically the offense, that you put together this past offseason."

Sox front office: "Oh yes, the, uh, that was very exciting, wasn't it? What's wrong with it?"

Sox fans: "I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad: They're dead! They can't hit! That's what's wrong with it!"

Sox front office: "No, no, they're just…uh, it's early?"

Sox fans: "Hey, it's June 16. We know a dead offense when we see one, and we're looking at one right now."

Sox front office: "No, no, they're not dead! Remarkable hitters, they are - they're just resting! Look, Ventura will just rearrange them a bit!"

Sox fans: "The order doesn't matter! The bats are stone cold! The Sox pitchers have to pitch no-hitters in order to have a chance to win!"

Sox front office: "No, no, they're just taking a while to gel!"

Sox fans: "All right then, look at this slash line list - Abreu .283/.339/.839, Avi Garcia .280/.336/.756, Adam Laroche .236/.348/.750, Conor Gillapsie .256/.293/.693, Adam Eaton .241/.358/.657, Gordon Beckham .227/.291/.636, Alexei Rameriz: .237/.254/.570; Melky Cabrera .241/.279/.556, Tyler Flowers .200/.239/.551, Carlos Sanchez .149/.211/.379. This is a terrible offense! What the heck???"

Sox front office: "There now, look, we got 4 hits tonight! Last night, we only got 2!"

Sox fans: "#&^%$#@!"

Sox front office: "Besides, look at all that great pitching we have!"

Sox fans: "Look at the 1st inning ERA of our starters!"

Sox front office: "Well, I didn't say that Samardzija would be great EVERY inning…"

Sox fans: (yelling and pounding the TV repeatedly) "HELLO White Sox! ANYONE HOME? Rick Hahn, you there? Robin Ventura, are you awake?"

(Takes off Sox jersey, balls it up, throws it on the floor and stomps on it. In the background on the TV, Adam Eaton gets thrown out sliding past the bag at 3rd ).

Sox fans (jabbing fingers at TV): "Now that's exactly what I'm talking about. Not only can't they hit, but when they do, they do stupid stuff on the basepaths."

Sox front office: "No, no, Eaton's just, uh, trying to make something happen."

Sox fans: "What?"

Sox front office: "Oh, yeah, he was just trying to get things going, trying to stir the drink, you know…"

Sox fans: "Now, look mate, I've had enough. This offense is dead. It shows no life. You assured me in the offseason that these moves would help make my beloved White Sox competitive this season. You sold many of us season tickets in hope of seeing a better team than 2014. I want an explanation!"

Sox front office: "Well, ah, perhaps they are pinin' for the Cell."

Sox fans: "PININ' FOR THE CELL? What kind of talk is that? They haven't hit that well at home either! Well, except maybe for sweeping the Astros, but that was a fluke!"

Sox front office: "Well, they like the Cell, we have that new clubhouse and maybe they think it's homier…"

Sox fans: "Look, I don't know what you're doing here, but if you don't do SOMETHING soon…the Cell seats will be empty!"


Sox front office: "Um, ok. How about if we get the 2005 team back together?"

Rebuilding Recap:
 It appears the Sox are on an offensive strike, so no work is getting done.

submitted by ChiSoxGal85

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September 29... The Last (And Lost) Weekend

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September 18...Klubered, but Not Clobbered

September 16... Baltimore Blanked

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September 3... Power Special

September 1... 18 Strikeouts Later, the White Sox Lose

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