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Kansas City Blues

How to Improve Sox Attendance
A few tongue-in-cheek ideas from a Sox Fan

Patrick Dahl

In lieu of actually improving the team this off season, the White Sox have decided to improve the aesthetic qualities of The Joan. The hope is that chopping off the top bit of the upper deck will encourage Sox fans to flock to the park this summer. I must admit that the new look of the stadium intrigues me, but if the White Sox organization is truly interested in increasing attendance, they need to do nothing more than look at our uptown neighbors in baseball.

I hate to admit it folks, but its true: the Cubs seem to have what baseball fans in Chicago want. Based on what they have going on up north, the following are my helpful suggestions to increase attendance at Sox games. 


The first issue the Sox need to amend is the parking situation outside U.S. Cellular. There is so much parking available that it almost makes it too easy to go to a Sox game. Anyone who has ever been to a Cubs game can tell you what a pain in the ass it is to park at Wrigley. But be honest: shortly after you’ve forked over twenty bucks to leave your car in some dude’s garage, you think to yourself, “Wow. This is almost like a secret club. Those Cubs must be pretty great.” I propose that we tear up the parking lots and force Sox fans to leave our cars loosely scattered about the neighborhood. Making it harder to get into the stadium will only increase the appeal of going to a Sox game.


Wrigley Field is pretty much the largest frat house in the world. The well-to-do bars that surround the structure are always filled with red-faced party animals, and anyone who has watched a Cubs game on TV knows that the cameramen and fans care much more about women in bikinis than baseball. Wrigley is regularly filled with drunken white guys from Iowa whose parents are supporting them while they figure out exactly what it is they want to do with their lives. We’ve got to figure out a way to get those guys down south. Perhaps it would be in the Sox’ best interest to start marketing games as frat parties. Is it possible that SOX stands for Sigma Omega Chi? Instead of carrying big vats of margaritas on their backs, vendors could lug kegs up and down the stairs. Instead of Dog Night, we could have Wet T-Shirt night. Maybe the shower in left field is a bit of foresight by Rob Gallas? And finally, everyone knows that the number one rule about a frat house is that it is always messy. Sigma Omega Chi could save money by only having the cleaning crew work once a week. This would help lesson the financial strain of Billy Koch.


Some other interesting things about Wrigley are the quirks that its lack of technology causes. Because of the ancient construction of the ballpark, the men that operate the scoreboard have to pee in funnels that lead down to some sort of urine collector. Maybe we could force Hawk and D.J. to pee in funnels- partly because it would provide a nostalgic atmosphere, and partly because it might shut D.J. up for a few moments. Another possible retro change would be to install smaller, more uncomfortable seats. We could also randomly install huge poles to block the action on the field. Is there any way to make the JumboTron black and white?


The final thing that the White Sox lack is a stumbling, bumbling semi-coherent mascot. The Cubs have Ronnie Woo. Originally the Sox had Andy the Clown, and he was a favorite of many fans. Unfortunately, the team’s latest clown, Jerry Manuel, has left and that leaves our beloved team without a clear favorite to be the lovable laughingstock of the fans. Don’t get me wrong, there are many contenders from within the organization (Reinsdorf), but we need someone new: a fresh face. Maybe Ronnie Woo’s caretaker could suggest someone? Regardless, we need someone to walk around the park in such a state that it makes us all feel that much better about our lives.


I have many more suggestions, and honestly feel that with my help the White Sox would be able to imitate the rip-roaring good time that the Cubs afford their fans. Based on what I’ve found, the elements the White Sox are lacking include: less convenience, more debauchery and more mentally handicapped people roaming the stadium. Until the White Sox understand these fundamental principles they will not have the draw that the Cubs have in Chicago.

Patrick Dahl is a die-hard Sox fan from the southwest suburbs who currently finds himself working as an entertainment industry grunt in Los Angeles.  Pat graduated from Northwestern University where he was a Radio/Television/Film major.  His favorite White Sox moments include being a batboy for Michael Jordan (while wearing a pair of Ozzie Guillen's pants- which he still owns) and having his dad warn him that Carlton Fisk was going to hit a home run moments before it happened.  He also saw Bo Jackson hit a homerun in his first game back from hip replacement surgery.  Patrick has very hopes for new manager Ozzie Guillen and the 2004 White Sox.

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