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WSI News - WSI Spotlight

Win the Pennant!

Easy steps to the elusive South Side championship!

I have decided that it is high time for our favorite baseball team to go to the World Series. But 25 seats together are hard to get for such a big event, so if they are going to go the Series, the Sox will have to go as participants. This is much easier than it sounds. The key is motivation. In the old days, the prospect of getting World Series checks was enough. The extra money meant Nellie Fox or Jim Landis wouldn’t have to work at Goldblatts during the off-season. But today, players make so much money, World Series checks are not important. World Series chicks are another matter! 

Sox Fan, and Hollywood celebrity, Senor Sock!

Our White Sox are depending on a lot of young players this year, many of whom are unmarried (Paul Konerko; Carlos Lee; Jeff Leifer; Josh Paul; Mark Buehrle; Jon Garland; Dan Wright;) and I assume are interested in a little action. Even the veteran Frank Thomas is now free to play the field (the only field he may play this year). These fellows might think they can get any woman they want merely because they make a lot of money or have a really big bat. Bah! Amateurs. Do you think Julia Roberts cares how much money you make? You think a few paltry millions impress Nicole Kidman? Does Cameron Diaz date guys who finish third? No! What these upper 1% women want are winners. 

So it is important for the Sox to go to the World Series. Fortunately this is a simple matter. All the team has to do is follow a few basic tips I have thoughtfully laid out for them and they can coast to the pennant and untold carnal bliss. Hopefully they will play the Dodgers and get revenge for 1959. Or perhaps they can play the Mets. I know some pretty hot babes I can stay with in New York! Yes! But I digress. If the Sox follow these suggestions, 2002 will be a great season, both personally and professionally. 

  1. Score Lots of Runs. If there is anyone who knows anything about scoring, it is I, Senor Sock. It is easy to win games when you score lots of runs. Women get excited when you score. Often they jump up and down, and that is always an entertaining sight, especially in the summer when they go braless. However, keep your eye on your pitchers. Do not allow them to drive over to White Castle and pick up a snack during these rallies. That’s how former Sox stopper Big Bob James ate himself out of baseball.
  1. Get a lot of hits. Eddie Collins set the Sox team record for hits with 222 back in 1920 and soon after became Joan Collins’ first husband.

The Sock knows Sox baseball--and Marilyn Monroe!

  1. Hit in 56 consecutive games. But only if you want to marry an outrageously sexy movie queen.
  1. Don’t Strike Out all the Time. Dave Nicholsen set records in 1963 by striking out 175 times to American League pitchers and 16,563 more times with major league cocktail waitresses.
  1. Hit many home runs. Greg “The Cubs Made a Huge Mistake” Maddox is right: Babes love boppers. Babe Ruth had his choice of women. It is no coincidence both Barry Bonds and Mark McGuire got divorced. They could not resist the temptation. Back when Jose Canseco was one of the Bash Brothers, he was running around with Madonna and other hot rock and roll babes. Now Whoopie Goldberg won’t even let him be a corner square.
  1. Steal LOTS of bases. If you’re not strong and powerful, use cunning and finesse. Stealing bases gets you a reputation as a rake and an operator, someone who is slightly dangerous. Doris Day and Edie Adams were the Meg Ryan and Jennifer Connelly of their day and Maury Wills (20 homers lifetime) kept them both busy.

If Fred and Barney can make it with Ann Margrock, why not a Sock?

  1. Pitch no-hitters. It is difficult for other teams to win if they cannot get any hits. Difficult but not impossible. The Sox did it in 1914 when Jim “Death Valley” Scott lost his no-hitter to Washington. You can bet Gloria Swanson and Theda Bara didn’t return his phone calls.
  1. Win 30 games or more. Denny McLain was the last pitcher to do so, and not only did it get Detroit to the World Series for the first time since World War Two, but more amazingly it made a chick magnet out of a crude, semi-literate ex-Sox in Drew Carey glasses. Oh, that reminds me…
  1. Stop trading pitchers to Pittsburgh. Both Sean Lowe and Josh Fogg had lower ERAs this spring than anyone on the Sox staff, and even though Kip Wells had a whopping 7.53 ERA, that would’ve been better than half the pitchers expected to start the season in Chicago. Don’t get injured. Gimps end up wearing leather masks and ball gags. Don’t make errors. Chicks like to laugh with you, not at you. A guy who constantly throws the ball away or can’t make the routine play is sending a message he can’t make the routine play in bed either. Tommy McCraw made 3 errors in an inning for the Sox back in 1968 and he didn’t get laid again until 1972.
  1. Stay in the Majors. Stay out of Charlotte this summer. There’s a big difference between hot chicks and chicks who are just sweaty.
  1. Don’t wear number 38. Are you paying attention, Gary Glover? #38 may have been forever contaminated by Jamie Navarro. Top prospect Aaron Myette got assigned #38 in 2000, never developed and was exiled to Texas. There, on last year’s worst pitching staff in baseball, he was unable to even make the team! But even before “El Bummo” 38 seemed to be a cursed number. It was worn by Dane Johnson, Esteban Beltre, Barry Jones, Dave LaPoint, Pat Keedy, Joe De Sa, Jose Castro, Glenn Borgmann, Dave Marshall, Dan Neumeier, Henry Cruz and Jim Otten. You may note none of these guys are in the Hall of Fame. Yes, Mike Sirotka started out wearing number 38 and so did Wilson Alvarez, but neither of them were any good until they switched to 33 and 40. I was always surprised Daryl Boston never wore 38.
  1. Win over 120 games. Make it 130 just to be on the safe side. When David Justice was winning pennants in Atlanta, he bagged Oscar winner Halle Berry. Now that he’s been traded 4 times, he has about as much sex appeal as Haley Joel Osment.
  1. Keep Winning After the Season Ends You can win 162 games during the regular season, but if you can’t win 7 more during the playoffs, you may as well carve “loser” on your forehead and join a monastery.

Editor's Note:  An idol in his native Argentina, Senor Sock became the toast of the entertainment world while a regular on E! Entertainment Television's Emmy-award winning "Talk Soup". He has been romantically linked to many of the world's most beautiful women, including Suzanne Somers, Monica Bellucci, Donna D'Errico, Halle Berry and Peri Gelpin. He has his own website at http://go.to/senor_sock and is of course, a lifelong White Sox fan.

More features from Senor Sock here!

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